


Hold Up

by thisislegit



Category: One Piece
Genre: Genderbending, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 17:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 42,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6763678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisislegit/pseuds/thisislegit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This whole thing was a real mess.</p><p>Sanji sighed. Well, this development could’ve been worse. He was still just as tall and just as strong as he used to be. The only difference being, no more random boners. Both things a blessing in disguise in his opinion. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if Zoro stood so much as one inch taller than him. He thought of other things that didn’t happen with the change. He didn’t become magically attracted to men, or lose his memory, and no one had been condescending enough about this change to refer to him with she pronouns. Yes, it was very good that those kind of things didn’t happen to him after his body changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I was having a good day. We were all having a good day.

Sanji was passing by the toilet when he heard someone talking to themselves. Leaning over, he pressed his ear to the door mildly curious.

“No more excuses. You’re gonna say it today, and be done with it. No matter what happens.”

Who was that?

The door knob jangled and Sanji jumped back before turning and trying to look like he was walking by. A strong emphasis on trying. Zoro stepped out of the toilet and spotted him. Giving Sanji a glare, he went over to the sink to wash his hands.

Sanji just stared at him oddly.

“What.” Zoro dried his hands off.

“Talking to yourself now?”

“None of your business.” Zoro bumped shoulders with him as he left to walk on deck.

Sanji mumbled under his breath. “Pardon me for giving a shit.”

A crash against the side of the ship jostled him off his feet making him face plant against the wall.

They were being attacked.

Great.

 

 

The strawhat crew had no idea what kind of devil fruit power their enemy bragged about. What kind of vague description is it’ll make anyone it hits unbelievably weak. Weak how? Descriptions were needed. And what kind of name was the “Carroway Pirates”? Tacky, really. Didn’t matter though. Nami was firm about not handing the pirate captain a single beri. So when his crew jumped onto their ship, and he aimed his beam for Robin, Sanji who was closest had to be her savior. Jumping in the way of the beam he was knocked across the Thousand Sunny’s deck and flew right through the wood wall of the galley. A cloud of dust flowed out from the impact putting him out of sight.

All at once, the fighting on deck stopped. There was a low groaning that came from the pile of wood that was once the dining table. Sanji pried himself free and shook any dust from his shoulders. Honestly, he didn’t feel much different. Standing up, he noticed his jacket sagged somewhat. Which was odd. Grabbing a cigarette from his pocket, he lit it and walked out of the galley with a sneer on his face.

“What kind of shitty power is that?” It was a low soprano voice of a woman that spoke those words.

Everyone from Chopper to Usopp looked at him with wide eyes. Well, except for Brook because he didn’t have any eyes.

Sanji’s eyes immediately turned to hearts and he did a twirl. “EEEHHH, ANOTHER LOVELY LADY’S ON THE SHIP WHERE COULD SHE BE-wait. Wait, that’s my voice...?”

He looked down on himself and even though his clothes were loose, there was a new unfamiliar curve of breasts that barely showed from his shirt. His eyes practically bulged out of his head. Don’t tell him he was a-.

The captain of Carroway pirates was laughing along with his crew. “Now let’s see you fight in the weak form of a woman.”

“Really? That’s all your powers can do?” Nami flipped her staff in her hand knocking out one of the men that tried sneaking up behind her.

Zoro had a bored look on his face. “That depends. Are you weaker now, shitty cook?”

Sanji had already tossed off his suit jacket since it hung too wide over his shoulders. He also tightened the belt around his waist. Him? Weak? Just because this form was a little more vivacious than what he was used to didn’t mean he was any weaker. He was also very pissed off. Actually, Sanji was on fire. How dare that bastard call him weak. His pants were a bit looser, but they weren’t any longer which meant he wouldn’t have to measure the length of his range.

Kicking off of the galley’s balcony, he did a quick spin in the air and knocked the enemy captain directly through the mast of the other ship breaking their main sail.

The Carroway pirates looked at him with jaws dropped.

Turning to one of them, Sanji blew a ring of smoke into his face. “I’ll have u know, that was one of my much lighter kicks.”

“BACK TO THE SHIP.” One of them bellowed in a scramble to get off of the Thousand Sunny.

Sanji watched them run away with a smug smile on his face until a small bought of laughter came from his side.

It was Robin.

“Sanji, I hope you realize that the one person nearby who can change you back is about to get away.”

Sanji’s blood ran cold. Oh hell no. He was NOT about to be a woman for an undetermined period of time. It’s not that there was anything wrong with being a woman, it’s just that Sanji was a man in his heart and mind. His body needed to match. Reaching over, he grabbed the first person he could, which happened to be Usopp, and was getting ready to chuck him over.

“Go bring him back here!”

“WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT. IT’S YOUR PROBLEM.” Usopp was flailing his arms looking just as angry.

“Because right now my clothes aren’t fitting right, and I’ll be damned having a wardrobe malfunction like this.”

“WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTH-AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

 

 

The captain of the carroway pirates sat tied back to back with several of his crew members. “I can’t change you back.”

“What did you just say?” Sanji pinched his cigarette between his fingers. “I want you to choose your next words very carefully.”

The captain was sweating profusely now. “I’m sorry! My power is the Danjo Danjo fruit. It grew like two odd apples. My twin brother, Carrin, ate one, and I ate the other. Whereas I remained a man, I gained the ability to turn other men into weak women. While my brother’s body transformed into a woman with his ability being able to change women into men. I asked him why he never used the power to return to normal, to which he cut all contact with me afterwards. The last I saw him was a few months ago leaving Daruma Island and heading north.”

“Carrin?” Usopp looked over at Brook who shrugged.

Chopper walked over, his hat bouncing with the motion. “Does she have a wanted poster?”

It was then that Nami came back over onto the deck of the Sunny lugging a bulging rucksack of treasures. “She does. Nabbed it from one of the bedrooms.”

“Hey! That’s our treasure!” One of crewmates was struggling in the ropes.

“No, it’s the money you owe us for wasting our time. We have to repair the wall to the galley, get Sanji new clothes, use more time and resources finding your sister so we can change him back. If anything, I should be commandeering your entire ship for how much it’s gonna cost.” She raised her nose in the air and made her way to the treasure room.

Luffy jumped after her. “Nami, did you steal any food too?!”

“She isn’t you, you idiot! Nami has enough class to rob them, not starve them to death.” Sanji tapped the last bit of ash from his cigarette.

“Wh-what are you going to do with us.” Said another anonymous pirate member.

“Nothing really. I think you’re done fighting us, and we really don’t need anything else from you guys. Let’s put them back on their ship.” Usopp had his back turned to them looking at the damage to the galley wall and grimacing. They had the supplies to fix it, but it was a long project nonetheless.

Zoro grabbed the edge of the ropes the carroway pirates were tied with and chucked them back onto their ship. “What a bunch of idiots.”

“Hopefully, the captain won’t keep thinking that beam will solve all his problems. Makes you wonder how many people on the grand line he’s done that too.” Franky crossed his arms over his chest.

“Who knows.” Zoro leaned back against the railings.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter now. Sanji, please come with me. I need to do a physical examination on you to make sure the beam didn’t do anything we can’t see.” Chopper started towards the infirmary.

“Can do.” Sanji followed after him with his hands in his pockets.

Usopp watched them for a little bit before stepping back and turning to Zoro. “Hey, have you noticed that Sanji’s actually really calm about being turned into a woman?”

“Wait for it.”

It wasn’t until the door shut behind Chopper and Sanji that a loud, girly scream followed.

“There it is.” Zoro and Usopp chorused.

 

 

There were many things that Sanji found himself not believing at this moment in his life. The first thing being that his body was definitely lacking things like a penis, and he had breasts and Chopper told him his body was perfectly healthy and female. The second thing being that he was actually in his precious Nami and Robin’s bedroom. The third thing being that they weren’t beating him to a pulp for being there.

Of course he had to stay sitting in the chair with a blindfold over his face, but that was okay, honestly! It really was okay.

“Perhaps that’s a bit too revealing for Sanji.” Robin’s voice came from the other side of the room.

“Too revealing? Robin, it’s really hot outside, and besides he gets upset when _I_ wear t-shirts.” Nami’s voice complimented the shifting of hangers. “Besides you’re too tall, and his chest is a little flatter than mine. Your clothes definitely won’t fit.”

“Are you sure we should keep the blindfold on him? This is something he’ll be wearing until we land at the next island.”

“Hmmm…oi, Sanji.”

Sanji sat up straighter. “Yes, Nami-swan!”

“You can take the blindfold off as long as you’re not weird about being in here. No love cook shenanigans. Got it?”

“Of course.” Sanji reached up, his fingers twitching until he felt the knot on the back of the blindfold. He paused in his motion and turned to where he thought he heard Nami’s voice.

“Go ahead.”

The blindfold fell into his lap and was able to see Robin and Nami each holding two outfits. They seemed to range from least amount of fabric in Nami’s left hand to most covering in Robin’s right hand.

“Pick two. We’ll be landing at an island in a couple days, so we’ll get you new clothes there. In the meantime, I’ll be renting my clothes out to you with 10% interest.” Nami shook the hanger that held a brown bikini top and a skirt.

Robin was holding an outfit which consisted of the lavender button up she used to favor and a pair of Nami’s burgundy capri pants. The other outfit she held was soft pink t-shirt and a yellow pair of shorts. The outfit Nami held that wasn’t with the bikini top was a long sleeve cream white shirt, and a black pair of shorts. Hesitantly, Sanji reached out for the outfit with the button up first.

Robin handed to him with a smile. “Remember to pick the ones you’re most comfortable with.”

Sanji nodded, and reached out of the one with Nami held with the long sleeves. He didn’t have that many options with bottoms, but he preferred tops that covered his arms in case things got a little too cold. He also knew had he picked both outfits from Robin that Nami would be very offended, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Are these all right?” He looked from both Nami to Robin trying to spot any displeasure in their looks.

“We wouldn’t have picked these if they weren’t. Now get out and go get changed.” Nami shoved him out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

Sanji stuck around long enough to hear a little bit of their conversation.

“Is it just me, or is he more nervous like this?” Robin’s voice was soft but legible.

“I guess? Honestly, I just hate that he’s kinda cuter this way.” Nami huffed.

Sanji’s entire face lit up, and he was floating on hearts all the way to the bathroom. His beautiful, precious, wonderful, Nami thought he was cute! Maybe this form wasn’t so bad after all. Stopping before entering the bath house, Sanji caught his reflection in the mirror. His features had changed, but not by much. His facial hair was gone. His eyelashes were shorter. His strong jaw had a much gentler curve to it. His lips were just a bit more put out, and a layer of baby fat that he’d worked off during puberty was back making his face look soft.

“Wow, I really am cute.” He pressed a hand against his cheek and winked at himself. “Take it easy there beautiful, you’ve got a crew to feed.” Sanji did a playful growl at his reflection.

“Talking to yourself, cook.”

Sanji nearly dropped the armful of clothes and turned back to glare at a smirking Zoro. Internally, he was very happy to note that he still stood nose to nose with the bastard meaning his height hadn’t diminished with this new change. “Fuck you!”

And with that, Sanji went inside the bathroom and slammed the door with a sneer on his face.

 

 

The light lavender button up fell perfectly against his shoulders but was very loose on his torso from there on down. Sanji had to roll the sleeves up so that they wouldn’t fall over his hands when he chopped the vegetables for dinner. The second outfit Nami had let him borrow sat in one of the unused cabinets in the kitchen. Putting a lid on the pot, Sanji scooted over to lean on his arms on the counter. It would just be stew and fresh baked bread tonight as he tried to come to terms with the whole situation.

Where would he sleep? There’d be no room in the girls’ bunk as if he were allowed in there for a long period anyway. He also didn’t think it’d be appropriate to just take his normal bed while he was like this.  Was this temporary? That Carrow guy didn’t seem sure of his own powers when he was yammering on. Maybe it’d fade after a couple weeks? Or was he stuck like this until he found that dude’s twin. Sanji really hoped it was the former. Dear god, how was he supposed to use the bathroom? He looked down at the stains on his apron. They happened to be at chest level, and he knew he’d have to get used to two new additions when taste testing food.

This whole thing was a real mess.

He sighed. Well, this development could’ve been worse. He was still just as tall and just as strong as he used to be. The only difference being, no more random boners. Both things a blessing in disguise in his opinion. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if Zoro stood so much as one inch taller than him. Sanji thought of other things that didn’t happen with the change. He didn’t become magically attracted to men, or lose his memory, and no one had been condescending enough about this change to refer to him with she pronouns. Yes, it was very good that those kind of things didn’t happen to him after his body changed.

He turned on his heel and stomped hard on the rubber arm that tried to slip behind him. “GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.”

Luffy’s head popped out from behind the opposite counter. “But Sanjiiii, I’m hungry.”

“So you can wait the next 30 minutes outside like everyone else.” Sanji kicked Luffy’s arm back towards him.

“Yo! I brought in the new table.” Franky’s voice came from the doorway.

“Woah, that’s so fancy.” Luffy’s eyes lit up.

“You’re sure you want to set something that nice in here?” Sanji went over to the counter to watch Franky set it down between the chairs.

“As long as you don’t go crashing through it again, I think it’ll be fine.”

Luffy laughed. Sanji didn’t.

“Haha, very funny.”

“Oh, that reminds me. Hey bro, are you all right?”

“Huh?” Sanji paused in his motion to light a cigarette. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, are you sure you’re feeling okay about all this? I know how you are about your masculinity.” Franky leaned against the table.

“Nothing to worry about. This is only temporary anyway.”

“Are you sure?” Luffy’s voice popped up beside him and Sanji turned to see the captain had stretched his head over.

“Course I am! This is Mr. Prince you’re talking to. I’ve been riding along with you knuckleheads for the longest. This is the least that could phase me.” Sanji wondered if he was saying that to reassure them or himself.

Wait, who was he kidding? Of course he was fine! He could handle anything that being a woman threw at him. Nami and Robin pulled it off with such grace and finesse, that Sanji would only have to mimic them to get by until he changed back.

Everything was going to be fine.

 

 

Zoro stayed behind after dinner as it was his turn on dish duty. This happened to be one of the rare times where the swordsman and the cook could be in each other’s presence without animosity flaring up. Sanji was thankful for it. It’s not that dinner didn’t go well. It went as well as it always did. The regular battle to keep Luffy from stealing food, refilling Nami and Robin’s glasses when they asked, and partially listening to some of Usopp’s fables were a nice reprieve. A small one, that was over too soon as his thoughts festered into a more internal dilemma.

He was fine, wasn’t he?

He handed Zoro another dish to dry.

All they had to do was find that dude’s twin and get them to change Sanji back. The problem was, the Grand Line was a big place. Who knows if that Carrin person even was after the same treasure. What if… What if Sanji was stuck like this forever? What if there wasn’t any other power like it on their journey, and he’d never see his dick again.

In that moment, something even worse dawned on him.

He didn’t have a penis anymore.

**_How was he supposed to be with women if he wasn’t a man?_ **

A dark cloud of melancholy washed over him, and the pot in his hand clunked back into the sink sending a gush of water over his face. Zoro responded accordingly, by laughing so hard he had to grip the counter.

“Stop laughing you bastard.” Huffing, Sanji grabbed a paper towel and wiped his face off.

Zoro didn’t, but his chuckles did die down to snickering as he dried off the next plate Sanji handed him. It went on like this, until the sink was empty and Sanji started wiping down the counter of excess water. The only thing wrong was that Zoro didn’t leave. He looked like he was waiting for something.

Sanji didn’t pause in his motion as he finished cleaning off the counter. He folded the dish towel and set it on the hanger nook next to the stove. Turning to Zoro, he crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn’t going to say anything. Maybe if Sanji stared at the idiot long enough, he’d take the hint and get out.

“I like you.” Zoro said it like he would say “ _The weather’s pretty nice today_ ,” or “ _That idea isn’t half bad._ ”

Therefore, Sanji rolled his eyes. “Nice joke. Get out.”

“I’m serious.”

“Don’t think that just because I’m like this you can make fun of me. Now get out before I make you.”

“Try it.”

Sanji made a kick aimed for his head, but Zoro figured that’s what the cook would go for and grabbed their ankle before they made eye contact. Sanji’s eye twitched and he jumped awkwardly when Zoro used the leverage to pull him close. Sanji’s leg was raised high enough that his knee hovered over Zoro’s shoulder, and Zoro kept him balanced with a hand gripping Sanji’s thigh. Sanji’s felt his face growing warm at the contact. He looked back over to Zoro’s face to find him unfazed.

“I like you.” Zoro had a determined look in his eyes.

Sanji’s entire face enflamed.

Shit.


	2. Have you finished those errands?

Sanji’s back ached from sleeping on the couch in the kitchen last night. He’d woken up around 4 that morning, went to the bathroom, got dressed into the outfit Nami let him borrow, and immediately began baking. He could probably sleep on the couch for a few more days before he asked Franky if there was anything he could do about sleeping arrangements. It was too early to start on today’s breakfast, so instead Sanji focused on baking a loaf of challah he could turn into french toast tomorrow. Day old bread held its form better for the egg and cream mixture. Sanji wished he had the same ability. Not with eggs and cream persay but rather with people hitting him with weird devil fruit powers.

He poured whisked honey and yeast into a bowl of warm water and set it aside, so that he could start measuring ingredients out.

_“I like you.”_

Sanji almost lost count of how many scoops of flour he put into the bowl. Almost.

Zoro’s stupid confession made everything worse. He couldn’t have waited until Sanji was back to normal before dropping a bomb like that on his head? Of course, Sanji had to make things worse.

_His mind was running a million miles a minute. Zoro liked him? Zoro **liked** him. He had to be joking right? They fought every day. No, they actually fought every day, it wasn’t an over-exaggeration. Just when from the time Sanji watched the idiot almost kill himself on the Baratie to this point could the bastard have developed anything but tolerance for the cook? Now would be the perfect time to ask. Zoro looked away and let go of Sanji’s thigh giving him room to set his leg down and take a few steps back._

_At first Sanji wanted to ask when it started, but that didn’t matter much to him. Not everyone had that  
“epiphany” moment of knowing their feelings like he did. He definitely wanted to ask how, but he was afraid of the answer that might give him. This was embarrassing enough, and Zoro was waiting for a response other than Sanji looking at him dumbly._

_What could he say? What should he say was more the question. Zoro wasn’t the worst person he’d ever met. There were things about Zoro that Sanji did appreciate like his strength or his will. Hell, Zoro’s common sense and knowledge was something he noticed from time to time even if the bastard got himself lost easier than a three-year-old in an open park._

_Sanji should reject him, but something about the idea was niggling in the back of his mind. So instead, another set of words came tumbling from his lips. Words that made Zoro’s eyes widen a fraction before the corner of his mouth tilted up in a small smile._

_“Prove it.”_

Sanji looked over to the bowl of yeast and, upon seeing that it was ready, started adding his measured out ingredients to the mixture. Prove it? Seriously? He was such a fucking idiot! Now he had to waste time on the marimo as if his precious time wasn’t already split enough with cooking for the crew, giving the ladies of the ship his undivided attention, chores, and his exercise routine. Where could he possibly fit that idiot swordsman in?

Flouring a cutting board, he dumped the now finished lump of tacky dough onto its surface. Well, hopefully he wouldn’t have to do anything. He told Zoro to prove his feelings which meant that ball was back in his court, and Sanji just had to wait. In the meantime, he had other things to worry about. Nami said they’d be hitting a small group of islands sometime this afternoon. The dough would take 90 minutes to rise, so he could review the food stock and prepare a grocery list while he waited. He also had to consider what kind of clothes to buy. Nami and Robin’s wardrobe were perfectly suited for them, and though he tended to learn towards more Robin’s mature fashion sense with long sleeves, he could admit Nami’s cute fashion sense intrigued him. He would have to wait until they docked before making his final decision. Every island had its own sense of fashion.

He draped a damp towel over the bowl of dough and set it in one of the cabinets. After cleaning up his work station, Sanji grabbed one of his notebooks and took a seat at the table marking notes. Minutes passed quickly. At some point he’d gotten up to warm up the oven. At another, during his jotting, he remembered taking the dough out to weave the loaves before putting them into the oven. The little bit of flour he had to dust from his notebook reminded him how he’d forgotten to immediately wash his hands after the action. God, he really was distracted if he forgot to wash his hands.

Shutting the leather bound cover of the notebook, Sanji groaned and leaned back in his seat.

“Are you okay, Sanji?” Chopper’s voice came from the doorway which was almost fixed completely.

“I’m fine. Just a little tired from sleeping on the couch. Why are you up so early? Breakfast won’t be ready for a while.” Sanji watched Chopper walk over and pull himself into one of the seats.

“I’ll talk to Franky about making you some temporary sleeping arrangements, and your blood tests finished just a little bit ago. Everything’s clear. I figured you were up, so I wanted to tell you as soon as possible.”

Sanji gave him a lazy smile. “Thanks doc. What would I ever do without you.”

“Aaah, saying things like that aren’t gonna make me feel nice you bastard.” Chopper was blushing while holding his cheeks.

“Is there anything specific you’d like for breakfast?”

Chopper gasped.

“That isn’t cotton candy.” Sanji pushed himself away from the table, and went to the oven to take the bread out.

“Hmmm…How about omelet rice?”

“I haven’t made that in a while. Good idea.” Sanji made sure the bread was set in an open container to cool down before walking to the fridge.

Using the key around his neck, he unlocked it and took out the proper ingredients. He kept the setup simple. He couldn’t get too fancy with dishes again until after they restocked. He poured a small glass of orange juice for Chopper to sip on while he made breakfast and idle conversation. Robin came in just as the coffee finished brewing, so Sanji made her a cup as she always took it.

“Nami said we’ll be arriving at the docks earlier than expected. Some strong winds blew us further along around 1 in the morning.” Robin sipped her coffee.

Chopper finished his juice. “How soon?”

“A little bit after breakfast. She’s already made arrangements for who’ll do what. Nami and I will be helping you pick out a temporary wardrobe, Sanji.”

“Your expertise on fashion will be the most appreciated my dear Robin~.” Sanji flipped another omelet and set it aside when it was done.

The rest of the crew had bustled into the kitchen just as Sanji finished decorating the last omelet with ketchup drizzle. Zoro gave him an odd look as Sanji set down everyone’s plates. Sanji returned the look with a glare before he sat down and dug in. It wasn’t until halfway through his own breakfast that he nearly choked from realization. Omurice was one of Zoro’s favorites. Sanji made omurice the morning after Zoro confessed his feelings. Zoro’s probably thinking this was an olive branch. A tree trunk sized olive branch in comparison to Sanji’s words last night. This was bad. This was really really really really really bad. This was so ba-

“Sanji!”

Nami’s voice snapped Sanji from his train of thought.

“Yes, Nami-swan?” Sanji paused and took a moment to look around the table.

Everyone was staring at him with concerned or confused looks on their faces. He wished they would stop that. Sanji wanted to stop the warmth that flooded his face from embarrassment.

“I was saying that I managed a marginal increase on your grocery budget with the stolen treasure from that jerk a couple days ago. Would you rather go clothes shopping or to the market place first?” Nami popped one of the berries from her plate into her mouth.

The strawhats had turned away going back to their own conversations by the time she finished her first sentence. Which was a relief in his mind. Putting a hand to his chin, Sanji thought about it.

Getting to the market early would prove good because everything would be fresh and in plenty, but everything would also be full price. Not only that, but he’d want to organize all the inventory as soon as he got back to the ship to make sure nothing spoiled. That took him several hours and he lounged for a while afterwards to gather his thoughts again. That wouldn’t leave him much time for clothes shopping as he didn’t know when the shops closed. Then again buying food later in the day would diminish the amount of food available, but it also brought out very cheap prices, would give him time to clothes shop, and he could just cook dinner after their return. Putting perishables in the fridge would be done the same time as cooking dinner, and he could better tackle counting everything the next morning.

“It’s probably best if we do clothes shopping first. Haggling prices and making sure everything’s bought would take me most of the day. Better if I wait until after prices drop.”

“Good, we’ll leave right after you’re done in the kitchen.”

Sanji nodded eating the last few bites in a rush and took his dishes to the sink. The clinking of dishes and conversation died down until the dining room was empty. Mostly empty that is. Zoro sat in one of the empty seats with his elbows on the table. He took a few seconds to look at Zoro’s back and felt a frown forming on his face.

“I didn’t make it for you. Chopper suggested it, so don’t get any funny ideas.” Sanji turned back to the sink.

He focused on washing dishes. Sanji ignored the sound of a chair scooting back against the floor before being placed back under the table. He also ignored the footsteps that went from the dining room into the kitchen area. He ignored the eyes he felt boring in the back of his neck. It wasn’t until he felt his personal space being invaded that he turned around and saw Zoro less than a few inches from him.

Zoro kept his face from showing anything. “Thank you for the meal.”

Sanji’s felt his cheeks grow warm, and Zoro reacted to the change with a smirk coming onto his face. A smirk? Was this asshole serious?

FUCK THIS GUY.

Sanji kicked him. Zoro blocked the foot with one of his swords. And they were fighting again, because even if Sanji was about to go buy a couple of bras, nothing had really changed.

 

Sanji needed to be more honest with himself. Nothing had changed _on the ship_ , but everything had changed outside of it. Sanji was hyper aware of anyone who looked at him for longer than a few seconds. He was also very aware of himself. His legs were hairy, and although it never bothered him before, he felt off about it. His leg hair wasn’t like Nami’s or Robin’s body hair where it matched with the rest of them. His leg hair was thick and stubbly around his calves. It was also very not blonde, and the stark black hairs made the paleness of his skin stand out more. Maybe he should’ve worn the shorts yesterday and the capri pants today, but it was too late to do anything now.

Sanji walked beside Robin and Nami with his head held high and his eyes wandering to the many beautiful women around him as they always did. He hated catching the leering gazes of men that walked by them while he himself made eyes at beautiful women. The leering wasn’t new to him when his body was less curvy, but they seemed to increase ten-fold with his current situation. He was thankful when they went into the first clothing shop that Nami and Robin agreed on. Leering he could deal with, but Sanji wasn’t about to let anyone try to flirt with him like this.

Except Zoro, his mind reminded him.

Ugh.

The fashion on this island had a very unique theme of highs and lows. Either the pants had very high waists or they looked snug and close to falling off of your hips. The same thing went for the shirt collars which varied between high enough to come up to your ears or low enough reveal naked chests. Again, something he’d have to figure out. After looking at price tags on different mannequins for several shops, Nami finally settled on one and dragged them inside.

The first thing he noticed about the clothes in the shop was that all the clothing looks so…small? Half of the shirts here looked like they would barely stop below his chest. The other shirts looked see-through or very form fitting. He wanted to thank every deity out there when he finally found a corner of button-up shirts. The relief was short lived when trying on the shirts. All the shirts that fit him well did something he would angrily refer to as “the thing”. Just as all the buttons were done up, Sanji would set his arms at his sides and the space between the fabric of the buttons would spread out making his appearance look rumpled. Sanji noted it was the part of the shirt where his chest stood out the most.

He hated it.

Robin stopped him as he came out of the dressing room. “You seem to be having trouble, Sanji.”

“I can’t so much as breathe without the buttons looking like they’re about to pop open.” He was clinging to the front of his shirt.

“Let go of the shirt for a moment.”

Sanji did and jumped when two arms sprouted from his shoulders. One hand was holding a pin and both reached down to pin the fabric closed between two of the buttons of his shirt. They then vanished in a slew of flower petals.

“Now try moving.”

He looked down at his chest and breathed. When the fabric stayed in place he let out a sigh of relief. “THANK YOU ROBIN-CHWAN~.” He spun in a circle with hearts in his eyes.

“SANJI.”

“Yes, Nami-swan!”

“Get over here and try these pants on, we need to find your size.”

“Okay!” A trail of hearts followed Sanji as he dashed over to Nami.

When they finished shopping, Sanji had settled on 4 pairs of high-waisted pants, 2 pairs of loose capri pants,2 patterned button-ups, a plain one, and 4 t-shirts with different fronts.

“We need to buy you some underwear, but I’m not sure if you can handle being in that kind of store.” Nami whipped out a ribbon from one of the pockets of her dress.

“Underwe-.” Sanji paused and thought about it. Women’s underwear. Beautiful women in cute lacy panties and pretty bras that showed just the perfect amount of cleavage.

Something hard hit his face sending him flying until he landed on the ground several feet away.

“I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING YOU ASS.” Nami’s beautiful voice shouted from afar.

“Oi! Nami!” Usopp was sprinting towards them with Brook in tow.

Sanji lifted his head from the ground and wiped the blood from his mouth. Where was his hankerchief? A few arms flowed from the ground putting him back onto his feet. Robin was so sweet.

“What is it? Did you find anything about Carrin?”

Brook nodded. “We did, but before we get to that may I happen to see Sanji’s new panties?”

“FUCK OFF YOU PERVERT.” Sanji kicked him into a bundle of bushes down the street.

“Anyway, ignoring the idiots. We met some old woman who said that Carrin frequented the night clubs when she was here. We’ll probably be able to get some more information from the regulars there.” Usopp crossed his arms over his chest.

Nami took Carrin’s wanted poster from Usopp’s back pocket. “Good. In the meantime, how about you two take Sanji back to drop off his clothes, so he can go to the market place. Robin and I will do so more snooping around.”

“Got it.” Usopp turned towards Sanji and Brook and cupped his hands around his mouth. “Come on you two, the market closes at 5!”

“Oh shit.” Sanji ran over and gently took the bags from Robin’s grasp before running after Usopp. “Thank you for the help, ladies~!”

Brook ran after them, but stopped to turn towards Robin and Nami. “Let’s hope this lead isn’t a dead end, yohohoho!”

Robin covered her mouth and let out a small laugh of her own while Nami groaned.

 

“Did that old woman say anything else about Carrin?” Sanji looked at the different shops as he spoke.

“Nothing useful. All we know is that she’s really nice and she helped out a lot of the men here during her stay.”

Sanji hummed. She’s nice. This was good. Hopefully, she would just change him back and he could go on with his life without any more hitches like this.

“Usopp! Sanji! Brook!” Chopper ran over to them looking panicked.

“Chopper?” They said in unison.

Chopper stopped in front of them and tried catching his breath. “Have you,” he paused to take a breath, “seen Zoro?”

“Isn’t he supposed to be with you?” Usopp crouched down to Chopper’s level.

“He was, but then he started talking to some shopkeeper girl, and then this girl got her friends. At first it was fun, they were all really nice to me, but then I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back they were all gone. Well, except for the first girl who asked me if I wanted to stay put until he got back. But Zoro gets lost really easily, so I knew it’d be better to find him again instead of waiting for him to come back alone.”

“Wait women? Zoro was with women? A bunch of them, and then he just ditched you?” Sanji didn’t notice the threatening aura slowly encompassing him as he spoke.

Chopper didn’t notice. “Mmhm. They gave me cookies.”

Sanji took a breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. “I guess I have no choice then.”

“Wha-?” Usopp stumbled as Sanji shoved his bags into his arms.

“DON’T WORRY LADIES, I’M COMING TO SAVE YOU.” Sanji was off in a tornado.

“GET BACK HERE YOU IDIOT.”

It was too late. Sanji had already turned the corner and was out of sight. Usopp sighed and rubbed a hand on his face before turning to Chopper. “Please go after him.”

“Right.” Chopper tottered off after the cook. “Sanji! Wait for me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why its taking me so long to get the ball rolling considering i know exactly what i want to happen in this story but i digress, ill be back in a month or two, hopefully less time than that


	3. Do you want the truth or one of those little white lies that doesn't hurt your feelings?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pardon in advance for typos, ive been trying to just finish this for 5 days

After a few speed boosts using walk point, Chopper managed to catch up to Sanji who was thankfully out of “love cook” mode. A cigarette, unlit, hung from Sanji’s lips as he scanned the area for the sight of mossy green hair. If the brute was really with a group of lovely women he couldn’t have gotten that far from where Chopper was, right? Wait, that would only be true if said idiot was still with those poor maidens. If he took their directions and went off on his own, well suffice to say, Sanji and Chopper would be looking for hours, and Sanji still had grocery shopping to do. He needed more information.

“Oi, Chopper.” Sanji pulled his lighter from his very tiny shorts pocket.

And seriously, what was up with women’s pants pockets being so tiny or non-existent?

“Hm?” Chopper watched as he lit his cigarette.

“What happened before the marimo ditched you?”

“Well, when we were in the bookshop, Zoro overheard the shopkeeper girl talking about a mysterious woman with abilities to transform people. We walked over there to ask exactly what the mysterious woman’s power was, but the shopkeeper was tight lipped until Zoro told her about you, and I talked about the Carroway pirates. The girl was really sympathetic, and all of her friends brought us into the backroom to talk about it. Now that I think about it, they all looked pretty similar, so they might’ve been her sisters. Hmm… They didn’t know much, but they said they’d take us to some people who’d know more. Then I had to use the restroom after drinking too much milk with my cookies, and when I came out they were all gone! Except the shopkeeper girl, she thought I’d gone with them already.” Chopper sighed the last words of his story and scratched the side of his head.

Guess that’s one thing that sucked about being so small. Sanji exhaled a few rings of smoke from his lips and stopped in his tracks at the sight of a group of five women. Round faces, soft lips, bright green or dark brown eyes, and hair all dark blue but placed in different styles to match the outfits which hugged their perfectly curved figures oh so well. His cigarette dropped from his lips and his heart was close to bursting out of his chest.

“LADIES.” Sanji’s eyes turned to hearts as he spun over to the group of women.

“AGAIN, REALLY?” Chopper ran after Sanji.

The women watched Sanji approach them with some looks of confusion and others with looks of bemusement. Then they saw Chopper and things seemed to click into place.

“Chopper!” Said the girl with a pixie haircut and striped racerback dress.

The other girls all joined her, running past Sanji, to surround Chopper in a flurry of concern and arguing over who got to hug Chopper first. Sanji fell flat on his face. Honestly, what else should he have expected. Of course, this didn’t deter him in the slightest. The fact that they recognized Chopper means this beautiful group of women must’ve shown that asshole to where ever they were taking him. Sanji had a much better chance now that the living moss was nowhere near here to throw him off. Getting up, Sanji dusted himself off and approached the ladies. Looks like the cutie with the high ponytail, frilly blouse and shorts combo got to hold Chopper first.

Sanji approached her and placed a hand on top of Chopper’s hat. “I’m very sorry to disturb your lovely reunion, because you’re all very lovely, but may I ask…”

Chopper looked at him hopeful.

“JUST HOW DID THE GODS BRING SUCH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN DOWN TO THIS EARTH?”

Chopper’s hopeful look fell. “CONTROL YOURSELF.”

The girl with long hair that fell in thick curls grabbed Sanji’s arm. “Excuse me.”

“Yes, my angel?”

“As cute as this all is, do you mind getting lost? My sister’s and I need to talk to Chopper.” She took her hand off his arm and crossed them under her bust.

“If that’s what you desire, I’ll be gone in a flash!”

“Not yet Sanji! We still have to find Zoro,” Chopper grabbed onto Sanji’s sleeve before he could walk off.

“SANJI?” The girl’s chorused gaining a confused look from Chopper and Sanji.

The girl with the pigtails in the varsity jacket stood in front of Sanji pressing him back to the center of their circle. “Are you telling me you’re Mr. cook?”

“You’re the one Mr.Swordsman is so determined to help,” asked the girl with the bob cut and bikini top skirt combo.

Pixie cut pushed her bangs out her face and put a glare on her face. “If I don’t help him get back to normal it’ll be bad for both of us.”

That must’ve been her Zoro impression Sanji figured.

“How did you do it?” The girl with long curly hair looked determined.

“Do what?” Sanji was caught between confusion and adoration because these girls were very close and very beautiful.

“How did you get him to fall in love with you? Was it your cooking? Was it your body? Was it your personality? Teach me!” The girl holding Chopper got closer to Sanji’s face with each sentence.

Sanji’s stomach dropped to his feet. The only sound coming out of his mouth a confused squeak. Zoro loved him? When did that happen? What happened to like? What happened over the past 24 hours for such a drastic terrible horrible and bad no good change to happen? What? What? This made no sense? What?

“I think you guys are confused. Zoro and Sanji fight all the time. They can barely be on the same spot on the ship for thirty seconds before they’re at each other’s throats. It’s more likely Zoro wants to help so Sanji will fight him regularly again.” Chopper’s voice cut through the questions and inquiries.

The girl with the high pony tail fussed when bob cut took Chopper from her arms. “Well, he didn’t exactly say he was in love with Mr.Cook. I could sense it.”

“A woman’s intuition is never wrong.” Pig-tailed girl nodded with her hands on her hips.

The other girls nodded as well in agreement.

The girl with long loose hair spoke again, “We were on our way back to get you, Chopper. By the time we realized you weren’t with us we were already halfway to The Dartz.”

“The Dartz?” Chopper tilted his head.

“Mmhm, it’s a bar.”

Sanji pushed any feelings he had to the side and replaced them with anger. Of course that beast would make these poor ladies take him to a bar. Probably drinking them out of business. Sanji hope he died.

“Could you take us there please?” Chopper’s cheeks darkened when bob cut kissed his cheek.

“That’s the plan,” said the girl with the loose hair style.

Pixie cut and high pony tail each grabbed one of Sanji’s arms and Sanji was only seconds from a nosebleed when pixie cut asked him what Zoro’s favorite food was. High pony tail chimed in asking if he got to see Zoro work out. Did Zoro exercise with or without a shirt? Does Zoro only like blondes, or people with short hair? Does Zoro like the traditional type who can cook or someone who’s determined and ready to learn new things? Zoro this, Zoro that, Zoro, Zoro, Zoro.

Sanji had two beautiful women on his arms, and another three around him and that asshole managed to ruin it for him without even being there.

Truly the world was cruel.

 

By the time they arrived at The Dartz, Sanji very unwillingly and internally admitted to himself that he knew more about Zoro than he would’ve liked to know. Something like that is to be expected though when you live in the same space as someone else. Besides, the questions asked weren’t questions that Sanji couldn’t answer about any of his other crew members. The pressing for information out of him did make him wonder, if Sanji knew all this from barely watching Zoro how intently had Zoro been watching him? What was it that changed platonic respect to romantic attraction? Sanji didn’t do anything nice for that guy. He tolerated Zoro, which was asking a lot of him. Guys like Zoro always were met with Sanji’s foot, never his face. That’s all it was. Tolerance, and respect, and some fun times.

But if this was the case, why the hell did he tell Zoro to prove that he liked Sanji?

It was childish now that he thought about it, asking for something like that. He should’ve just said he didn’t return the jerk’s feelings. Now would be a good time as any to remedy the situation. Chopper was a kid and easy to distract. Okay, it’s official. Sanji was going to deny Zoro’s feelings. It was only right, and better than stringing him along like a lovesick marimo.

Chopper and Sanji thanked the girls, but high pony tail stopped Sanji just before he followed Chopper inside.

“Yes my mellorine~?” Sanji swooned.

“If you’re still in town later, please let me know if Zoro’s single.”

“O-of course.”

“Thank you! Good luck Mr. Cook.” She leaned over pressing a quick kiss to his cheek before running off after her sisters.

Sanji went to the wall and hunched over so that the blood from his nose bleed wouldn’t ruin his precious Nami’s shirt. He was borrowing it, and the price would be hefty if she had to buy a replacement.

Chopper flew out from the front doors with the sound of jeering and laughter following his abrupt exit. Sanji turned to see the doctor on the ground rubbing his butt.

“What happened?” And just who threw Chopper out, because there was gonna be words when he sees their face.

Chopper turned to look at Sanji, his eyes bulging out of his head at the sight of all the blood. Not Sanji’s best moment, but he’s sure he had worse. They worked together to get the bleeding to stop, and Sanji had two slightly bloodied pieces of cloth sticking out from his nostrils.

“They said kids aren’t allowed in the bar and just threw me out.”

“Why didn’t you use heavy point before going in first?”

Chopper blushed in embarrassment and pointed an accusing finger at Sanji. “I thought you were behind me!”

“I was, but when you get older you’ll learn that when a woman’s heart calls out for you, you answer her call no matter what.”

Chopper rolled his eyes.

“Okay, let’s grab the marimo and then I can go grocery shopping. Now that he’s managed to waste my time like this, I can force him to carry all the food back.” Sanji had his hands on his hips and nodded sure of himself.

Chopper remembered Sanji volunteering to retrieve Zoro, so if anyone wasted Sanji’s time it was Sanji himself, but he wasn’t going to point that out.

Sanji picked Chopper up, tucking the doctor under his arm, before stepping into the establishment.

The place was exactly how he expected it to be. A shady bar with shady bartenders behind the counter. Poorly cut wooden tables that’d make Franky cringe in their condition, and barrels being used as seats instead of actual chairs. Not to mention the clientele was in poor taste. Not a lady in sight. Nothing but big burly men who try so hard to prove that they’re men with unnecessary acts of aggression.

Ugh.

He walked further inside getting looks from the patrons as he scanned the area trying to spot the living moss ball. Zoro wasn’t sitting at the bar, nor was he at any of the tables near the entrance. That only left for Sanji to go all the way to the back. He wondered why there were so many people here. Lunch time hadn’t even passed, and people were getting shit faced. Then again, he’s seen Zoro do the same, so maybe that idiot swordsman is finally among his own kind.

“Sanji, over there.” Chopper pointed to the far left.

Yeah, there Zoro was sitting with a few men in the far back corner.

Just when Sanji reached the end of the bar, a hand fell onto his shoulder. He didn’t bother turning around as the owner of said hand placed themselves right in front of Sanji. The man was so tall his head almost touched the ceiling. A myriad of tattoos covered his neck, hairy chest and equally hairy arms. His jaw square with his stubbly chin jutting out, Sanji could see muscles layered on muscles.

Sanji was going to call him Meathead.

“What a little girl like yourself doing in here? Looking for someone?” Meathead’s voice sounded like someone grinding two rocks together.

“You’re in my way. Move.”

“Don’t be so cold,” Meathead gestured his hands and started to reach for Sanji, “Maybe a good rub-down wou-.”

Sanji kicked him through the wall of the bar before he could finish. The new, man-shaped hole in the wood brought sunlight inside making him squint. It must’ve been darker in there than he thought. He noticed he caught the attention of everyone in the building, some gave him wary looks while others glared at him.

“Anyone else wanna try something?”

One by one, the men turned their focus back to their tables.

Sanji scoffed at them and finished making his way to Zoro’s table.

One of the men sitting with him with dark blonde hair and a pointy mustache clapped for Sanji as soon as he got close. “Whoo, you really know how to put on a show.”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing ditching Chopper to drink in the middle of the day?” Sanji chucked Chopper at Zoro’s face.

The brunette at the table ducked his head down and laughed.

“WHAT THE HELL’S YOUR PROBLEM.” Zoro pulled Chopper off of his face.

Sanji slammed his hands down on the table. “I ALREADY EXPLAINED IT TO YOU.”

“WHY’D YOU THROW ME.”

“It wasn’t that far, you’re fine.” Sanji leaned back and pulled a cigarette from his pocket.

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT. IT WAS UNECESSARY.” Chopper flailed his arms in an attempt to hit Sanji.

“Didn’t know you had a wife, Zoro,” jeered the mustached man.

“Tch, yeah right. Even if I was a woman, I wouldn’t be caught dead with this plant.” Sanji lit the cigarette and put it between his lips.

“Oh, then you’re single?”

“Don’t push your luck.”

The man held his hands up in surrender. “Figured I’d ask.”

“We should, perhaps, take this outside. I think the goons of that man you kicked are starting to group together.” The brunette stood from his seat and dropped a few bills onto the table.

Zoro stood grabbing Chopper by the back of his shorts, and the mustached man stood as well sliding a sword Sanji just noticed into a holster at his hip. The group walked out without any trouble.

“It seems we’ve failed to introduce ourselves to each other properly. I’m Sanrio,” the brunette, Sanrio, gestured to himself and then to the mustached man, “This is my friend, Puroko.”

“Pleased to meet you.” Puroko said with a bow.

“I’m Tony Tony Chopper, and this is Sanji. Is it true you two know about Carrin? Do you know where she is?”

“Zoro asked us the same thing, and I’m afraid we don’t have that information. However, we did become very good friends with her. She and her crew stayed on this island for a month before shipping off. We can tell you other things about her though. Maybe that would help?” Sanrio lead the group down the path that ran along the edge of the woods.

“How did you two become friends with Carrin?” Chopper struggled keeping with Sanrio’s pace.

Puroko hung further back walking between Sanji and Zoro. “She helped us using her devil’s fruit power.”

“You’re telling me you two had a bad run in with her brother before meeting her?” Sanji blew out a few circles of smoke.

“Nope. Never met her brother in our lives. Hope to keep it that way from the way she talked about him. Real nasty that one is.”

“So there are other devil fruit users who can change people’s genders?”

Puroko raised an eyebrow. “If so we haven’t met them.”

“What? Wait a minute, you’re telling me you were women? As in originally?”

“No.” Sanrio’s voice was firm. “We were never women. We just looked like them.”

Sanji was confused. They couldn’t have meant they were drag queens. “Elaborate.”

“You’re really out of your depth with this kind of thing, aren’t you?” Puroko let a small laugh slip from his lips.

Sanrio had stopped a pulled a picture out of his pocket. Sanji took the edge of it in his fingers and looked at the young woman with long brown hair and her face dotted with freckles. She was standing next to a kid and an older man with similar features. Their dress was formal, the older man and child in matching suits, while the woman wore a high necked dress and looked somewhat uncomfortable.

“That person in the dress. That was me for a very long time, until I met Carrin. She helped me. My father, on the other hand, wasn’t so appreciative of her help.” Sanrio pocketed the picture and began walking again.

Puroko clicked his tongue. “Carrin helped me out before she helped Sanrio here, so I plucked him up before anything crazy happened.”

“Pardon me for sounding rude, but I’m not understanding this at all. Why would you want to be a man?” Sanji scratched the side of his head.

“Why do you?” Sanrio didn’t turn around, but he slowed his pace.

“That’s different. My situation is different. Women are-.”

“Oh god, you’re one of _those_.” Puroko had a grimace on his face.

“What? One of what?”

Sanrio was in Sanji’s face now. “Let me guess. Women are flawless, correct?”

“Yeah.” Sanji felt that was the wrong answer, but he thought it sounded right. It’s what he believed.

“Women are beautiful goddesses, untouchable, can do no wrong, and deserve to be pampered and prettied. They’re polite, and should be trusted even if they’re lying because they always have the best intentions at heart. They’re mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandmas, so delicate, so powerful, so ethereal. Women are better than men in every way because they’re women. Correct?”

“Yes.”

“Well, if that’s what you think, maybe this change of yours is for the better.”

“What? No!” Sanji was ready to kick this guy. Who did he think he was?

“No? You agreed to everything I said. You think women are better than men, and you think you’re better than other men, by that logic it’d make sense that it’s better for you to be a woman. Since all men are lesser than women.”

“You’re twisting my words.”

Sanrio pulled away. “I’m not twisting anything. I’m stating everything that you’ve told me, and I can assure you that if you keep up with that sexist attitude, Carrin won’t help you.”

“Sexist? I’m not sexist. I love women!”

“You love women. So do the men who come into town leering at anyone with a bust bigger than a few fresh apples. So do the men who pat their daughters on the head, and tell their wives they dress too loosely. So does that man that you kicked through a wall in the bar earlier. All of them love women too.” Puroko brushed by Sanji to stand next to Sanrio.

“I don’t hit women, and I sure as hell don’t-“

“You don’t have to use your hands to hurt a woman. Words have their own effects,” Sanrio sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “I can tell you’re not a bad person. You’re just very ignorant. While searching for Carrin, maybe you should take some time to really think about why having your body back to the way it was is so important to you. To anyone else it’d make no sense that someone who loves women, in the way that you do, would ever want to be a man.”

Puroko wrapped his arm around Sanrio’s shoulders and began steering him away. “It was nice drinking with you Zoro. Remember to hit up that place I told you about before you leave. There’s probably more information there.”

“Where the hell do you think you’re going? You haven’t even told us anything. Get back here!”

“Leave it alone, cook.”

Sanji turned on Zoro, his anger beginning to boil over. “Are you saying you agree with them?”

“I’m sure that’s not what he means. Zoro was talking to them longer, so it’s more likely that’s all the information we could get out of them. Right Zoro?” Chopper knew if those two broke into a fight right now he wouldn’t be able to stop it. Where was Nami when you needed her.

“Yeah.”

Chopper let out a breath of relief. “See?”

“Also, you’re sexist.”

“YOU BASTARD.” Sanji sent a flying kick to Zoro’s head which was blocked.

Chopper put his head in his hands and walked as far away as he could from their fight.

 

Going to the market bruised and bloodied wasn’t unfamiliar to Sanji. He was a pirate and this kind of event occurred more often than he’d admit. Chopper had gone off on his own during their fight. That turned out to be for the best because Zoro noticing Chopper’s disappearance is what stopped their fight just as Sanji was about to win. Zoro denied this on their walk back into town, but he always denied that Sanji won their fights.

Sanji kept an eye on Zoro, whose arms were full of groceries, to make sure he didn’t go the wrong way. He scanned over the list and checked the extra money he had in his coin purse. Nami really did increase his budget, but what to splurge it on? If this island had fruit unique to it, it wouldn’t cost too much, but Sanji could make a cake with it for Nami. Ah, but then what would he make for Robin? She liked sweet things sure, but she tended to lean more towards strong flavored foods. Maybe something with salted caramel for her?

He bit the inside of his cheek.

Sexist? How dare that asshole call Sanji sexist. Who did he think he was? Sanji respected women just as much as he wanted to pamper them. How was that sexist? Plus, he didn’t need to think about why he wanted his body back to normal. He was a man at heart and that was that. Zoro even agreed with that jerk.

Sanji stopped and glared at his list. “What the hell is wrong with you anyway?”

“Huh?” Zoro shuffled some of the bags so he could peak through.

“Calling me sexist when it clearly isn’t true. Aren’t you supposed to be proving you like me?”

“Liking someone doesn’t mean being ignorant to their flaws.”

“When you like someone they have no flaws. Everything they do is perfect.” Sanji crossed off the last item on the page.

It was Zoro’s turn to scoff. “If everything you did was perfect I wouldn’t like you at all.”

“If this is how you plan on getting me to like you, you better get your shit together.” Sanji’s cheeks turned warm. The implications of what Zoro said grinded on his nerves. How the idiot managed both a compliment and an insult was beyond him.

“Getting you to like me? I thought I was just proving that I like you.” Zoro had a smug smile on his face.

Sanji shoved a bag between the small cranny so he didn’t have to see the moss’s stupid face. “Shut the fuck up, and carry the groceries.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoo boy this is...ive got. so much to write for this..send help


	4. This boy's more mixed up than a feather in a whirlwind.

Sanji just finished putting the last bunch of fruit away when Franky stepped into the dining area. Writing down the date for when the bananas were stored to when they would expire, he took a few steps to the edge of the kitchen.

“I managed to clear out one of the storage rooms. Want to see?”

Sanji nodded and put his log book in the cabinet with the rest. “Good timing on your part; I just finished.”

“My timings always good.” Franky waited for Sanji at the doorway before leading him down the stairs.

“You want me to let that slide or list off all the times your timing was terrible.” Sanji raised an eyebrow.

“Cut me some slack bro.”

Together they walked through the men’s quarters and down the ladder to the bottom of the ship. The main storage room was cluttered, and there were subsets that even Sanji didn’t venture into. Franky stopped at one of the doors with an elegant sign that read Sanji. Looked like Usopp’s handy work.

“Nami had a few personal inputs, and Usopp left your stuff on your dresser.”

Sanji stopped Franky’s hand before he could turn the door knob. “Before you open it, tell me how I’m supposed to navigate my way back on deck first thing in the morning through this mess?”

“Usopp’s a bit of a hoarder. We’ll see if we can move some things into his workshop.”

Sanji nodded and let Franky open the door. Inside was Brook, standing hunched over due to the low ceiling holding an open bag that read “Le Petit” in curvy pink font.

Brook looked at them and would sweat if he weren’t a skeleton. “Welcome home.”

Franky looked down at Sanji who took several steps into the room before snatching the bag out of Brook’s hands. He then stepped out of the way of the door just as Sanji kicked Brook hard enough to soar to the other end of the storage room. Any boxes or items that were in Brook’s flight path stacked themselves neatly atop others leaving a clear walkway back to the ladder.

“I’ll just let you get settled in.” Franky closed the door.

Sanji took several slow breaths to calm down before looking into the pink paper bag. At first his thoughts were lecherous and then horrified. Pulling out a piece of underwear that looked like a few strings attached to a triangle, he realized he’d be the one wearing such things under his clothes. He dropped the bag onto the bed before looking at the other contents. That could wait.

Looking around the room he took note of the size and its contents. The bed sat against the back-right corner and was larger than the cot he slept in in the men’s bunk. Thick red and white blankets sat folded at one end next to several pillows. On top of the blankets was a set of sheets with an envelope on top of that. Against the left wall stood a low oak dresser with bags from his clothes shopping trip sitting on it as well as the other things from his space in the men’s quarters. He moved his shoes from the clean wood top to the floor. Next to the dresser was a matching narrow desk and chair with soft cream colored furnishings. On the desk was a mirror, and in front of that a box just bigger than a few books sat.

There was enough space between the bed and the other furniture for Sanji to move freely about. At least he wouldn’t be cramped. Hell, maybe he’d stay in here after changing back. It would be his own little slice of peace and quiet from the snoring and grunting the men’s bedroom provided. He went to work organizing his clothes, folding them into squares before putting them into different drawers. He moved the bag of underwear to sit on top of the dresser before starting to make his bed.

_“It’d make no sense that someone who loves women, in the way that you do, would ever want to be a man.”_

Sanji froze for a moment and his movements became jerky as he tucked the sheets under the mattress.

That asshole!

Who the hell did he think he was talking to Sanji like that? Sanji’s love for women and wanting to be a man were two completely different things.

“I was sent down from the heavens in my form so that I could please women in every way possible. Words of praise flow from my lips like holy verses because they’re goddesses.” Sanji unfolded the blankets laying them so that the bed looked nice and the pillows sat propped up against the headboard. “My hands create intricate dishes for their enjoyment.”

Sanji took the envelope and opened it. The letter had a list of numbers in Nami’s beautiful handwriting. The caption read “I may have miscalculated your extra grocery funds since I forgot you needed a bed set. It was going to be expensive either way, so I got the nicest one available. Here’s the bill!” Next to her signature was a cute doodle of her face.

He choked at the bottom price, and hit his chest a few times. Immediately he regretted the action, clutching his breast in pain. How kind of Nami to treat him to such luxuries in his time of turmoil.

Now that he looked at the bed set, it was very fancy. Fancier than he was used to seeing on the ship. She really knew how to make Sanji feel comforted. He’d love to return the favor. Maybe he could make orange creamsicle cake bites? Or even a marmalade for the French toast first thing tomorrow morning.

_“Women are beautiful goddesses, untouchable, can do no wrong, and deserve to be pampered and prettied.”_

Sanji gripped the letter in his hands crumpling it.

The answer to that was YES. An absolute and final yes!

_“You love women. So do the men who come into town leering at anyone with a bust bigger than a few fresh apples. So do the men who pat their daughters on the head, and tell their wives they dress too loosely. So does that man that you kicked through a wall in the bar earlier. All of them love women too.”_

Sanji was nothing like those men. He had morals. Women shouldn’t be limited to what they could and couldn’t do, and who they could and couldn’t be. They deserve praise for everything they do no matter how big or small, and he intended to give every beautiful woman the praise she deserved.

However, with his body like this, he knew he was limited in doing such things. He loosened his grip on the letter, and went over to the dresser. Using the corner of the dresser he pressed the letter against it to get as many wrinkles out as possible.

He wasn’t sexist. That kind of label on Sanji would never make any sense. And then that shitty swordsman had the gall to call him such a thing. Sanji sat on the edge of the bed and fell backwards. Another mistake because his breasts bounced hard enough to hurt.

How the hell did women manage these things so beautifully?

He curled onto his side clutching his chest.

Sanji would have them removed in a heartbeat if he could. They were nice to look at, and to rest your head on but at what cost?

Crawling up the bed, Sanji rested his head and was close to melting. The pillows were so soft yet firm. They cradled his head perfectly. He’d rest his eyes for a bit and then head back on deck to take care of some chores.

_White sand served as a crust to the beautiful blue waves lapping against the beach. Sanji couldn’t believe the All Blue could have such wonderful beaches. Then again, why wouldn’t it? The place where all the worlds fish met was something to behold. His house stayed off shore away from the docks along the edge of the forest._

_He built it with the love of his life as soon as they discovered the ocean._

_Laying on his back, Sanji sighed at the sun warmed sand. Dark grey birds with yellow plumage flew overhead in a flock. He never saw more than five or six, and Robin taught him the importance of preservation so he never bothered shooting one down to cook it._

_He didn’t know how long he lied there, but he could feel the water lapping at the soles of his feet. The tide had risen for the day. Time to go back inside._

_There was a trout like fish sitting in the tank at home. Trout like only by the eyes and shape of it’s body, the coloring and fins were too different for it to be an actual trout. He hoped the inside was a dark red holding more flavor than tuna._

_“Oi, it’s getting late.”_

_Sanji opened his eyes at the sound of their voice. The person was hovering over them, but for some reason Sanji’s vision was blurred and their visage remained a black silhouette._

_Sanji felt a smile creep onto his face, and rested his hands behind his head. “Hmmm, I do have to make dinner don’t I, my darling~.”_

_“You know I can’t.”_

_“Lucky me then.”_

_“Idiot.” The silhouette smiled and reached down to rest a hand against Sanji’s cheek. “You’re lucky,” The person leaned down until their noses were almost touching: the silhouette’s face turning to that of Zoro’s, “that I like you.”_

Sanji woke up screaming.

NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE!

DAMN IT.

THAT SHITTY SWORDSMAN EVEN MANAGED TO RUIN HIS FAVORITE DREAM WITH HIS STUPID CONFESSION.

Clutching his pillow to his chest, Sanji panted. He practiced slow breaths. Breathe in for five seconds. Hold it for three. Breathe out for five seconds. Reaching up, he wiped the sweat from his brow. His bangs had become wet and tacked against his forehead, so they stuck out in odd directions from the action.

Sanji no longer had a choice. Day thoughts were one thing to distract him in, but dreams were a different story. And in his favorite dream no less! He should’ve known something was off when the beach in his mind wasn’t swarmed with beautiful ladies playing in the waters and lounging on towels. Sure, there were a few times that dream only happened with one or two ladies, and when he went to bed drunk the rare but welcome attractive man, but still! That swordsman was a beast. He’d never be delicate or gentle like any of Sanji’s dream lovers had been, therefore, he didn’t need to be there.

He was going to tell the bastard he wasn’t interested right after dinner. Sanji would offer Zoro the same courtesy of giving such information when everyone was gone. It was only right. If it weren’t for the distraction of Chopper and those other two jerks, Sanji would’ve denied Zoro that morning after clothes shopping.

Sanji set the pillow aside and cringed. Nami’s shirt was damp with sweat. He’d wash them after his bath.

He made his way back on deck. He was not looking forward to cooking dinner like this. Sanji paused behind the door noting how quiet it was. Odd considering Chopper and Luffy were usually running around at this time. He opened the door and twitched.

It was pitch black outside.

He’d slept through the entire afternoon.

Sanji clasped his hands together and pressed them against his lips.

“They went to hit up night clubs.” Zoro’s voice came from above him.

Sanji walked out further to see Zoro sitting with his back against the railing. Next to him sat a square shaped container wrapped in white fabric and knotted at the top. “Why’d no one wake me up to make dinner first?”

“Told ‘em not to.”

“What? You piece of shit!”

Zoro put the sword he was cleaning back into his sheath. “You’re tired, cook.”

“How the hell would you know if I’m tired or not. I kicked your ass without yawning once this morning.”

“Meat.” Zoro turned his head to the side.

“Meat?”

“In the omelets. You forgot.”

Sanji was going to crack that shit stains skull open and look for a brain. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“You didn’t even know you forgot to add any. You always apologize to the witch and Robin if you don’t have a certain ingredient in your food.”

“Wha-?“

“Cooking’s important to you. If you can’t focus on that, you’re either distracted or tired.” Zoro untied the knot letting the fabric fall to the sides. Two glossy black boxes stacked on top of each other were revealed. “Usopp dropped off dinner.”

Sanji was torn between going up the stairs to kick the shit of the swordsman or going to the kitchen and grabbing something to drink. He must’ve been slipping if the moss could find the time to read him so easily. Was he watching Sanji like some creeper? Was that what that smirk was for this morning?

Ugh.

His stomach growled, but he couldn’t find energy to be embarrassed. Instead, he went to the kitchen fixing a pitcher of water and two glasses before walking back out to where Zoro sat. Sanji grabbed the bento box from the bottom and started eating with the hard plastic chopsticks that came with it.

“They let Luffy into a nightclub?” Sanji shoved a piece of fried shrimp into his mouth.

“Worse. He made a new friend.”

Oh god. Every time Luffy made a friend, trouble followed. Happy he bought new clothes first thing this morning. Fighting in his guy clothes would be a hassle.

“What do you think’s gonna happen this time?”

Zoro pushed his food into one cheek like a barbarian so he could speak. “Best case scenario, it’s a spy for the marines and we run off like usual when they get close.”

“Worst case scenario?”

“Roped into another wild goose chase for treasure that doesn’t exist. Don’t really have that kind of time to waste.”

Sanji hummed in agreement. The longer they stayed the further away Carrin got. Too far and there’d be no way to track her meaning Sanji would be stuck like this.

Time passed as Sanji ate and just listened to the waves which lapped against the sides of the boat. The crunch of Zoro’s chewing was faint, but distinct. Seawater mixed with the scent of sautéed vegetables and cold, seared fish from his bento. The wood on the Thousand Sunny never creaked like Merry did unless something was being broken or fiddled with in the workshop.

He looked up at the dark sky. “Didn’t think that town was big enough for light pollution.”

“It’s bigger than you think.” Zoro finished his bento setting the box aside.

“How would you know? Got lost?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

“I took a walk. I knew where I was going.”

“I believe you.”

Sanji didn’t believe him, and Zoro damn well knew it.

A beat passed.

“You don’t have to prove your feelings for me.” Sanji managed to say.

Zoro raised an eyebrow. Well, he came up here to reject the idiot so better not half ass it.

“Don’t think I can return your feelings. No need to make more of an idiot of yourself for my sake.” Sanji put the last bit of pickled zucchini into his mouth. Too much sugar in the brine.

“That’s fine.”

Sanji waited for him to say something else, so when the moss did nothing but finish off a glass of water, he was confused. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not gonna say anything besides it’s fine? Not gonna ask why or beg for another chance?”

Zoro turned to look at Sanji with a neutral expression.

“Not even when I look like this?” Sanji put one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his neck to jut his chest out.

“Look like what? Sweaty?”

Sanji’s hands dropped back onto his legs. “Fuck you. Why the hell did you confess to me if you weren’t going to make a big deal about it.”

“I figured if an idiot like you could confess to anything on two legs, I could stop thinking about what-if scenarios and get it over with.”

“Who the hell are you calling an idiot you neanderthal.” Sanji could feel his leg tense in preparation.

“There’s only one dartboard brow I’d call an idiot.”

Sanji’s bento box was gently set aside before he jumped up to land a kick at Zoro’s head. Zoro’s sheath blocked his shoe. A glint of metal. The sound of wind being sliced through the air followed. Sanji dodged. A chunk of wood from the railing splintered against the pitcher of water. A kick to Zoro’s arm. A slash ripping Sanji’s sleeve. A foot knocking against glass. Water spilled. Sanji’s foot slipped.

Zoro moving before he thought stopped Sanji’s fall by using the butt of his swords to press against the cook’s back.

They were close enough that it could be deemed uncomfortable. Zoro’s feet spread apart while Sanji’s were crossed at the ankles between their space on the floor. Sanji watched Zoro’s eyes widen with recognition and Sanji felt his face heat.

Usopp’s laughter from the docks brought Sanji out of his stupor long enough for him to get a good kick into Zoro’s chin. Good thing the bastard didn’t have his third sword out, or he would’ve lost some teeth. Sanji used the cloth that wrapped up the bento to clean up the water spill while Zoro stood stock still. His arms trembled holding tight to his swords as he processed what happened. Sanji had gathered up the dishes and was heading to the kitchen by the time Nami, Usopp, and Chopper came back on deck.

“Yoohoo, Sanji.” Nami waved at him with a narrow slip of paper. Sanji noticed her blue tube top dress and did his best not to swoon too much.

“Yes Nami-swan~.” Sanji walked over to her with dishes balanced in one hand, and the other hand low at his waist for a bow.

“We’re gonna kill two birds with one stone. First thing tomorrow morning we’re setting sail to an island with hidden treasure. The villagers say that’s where Carrin was headed after they told her the Legend of Argula!”

“Legend of Argula? Sounds like a salad topping.”

Chopper threw his arms out. “It’s better! It’s about the-mmmphh!”

Nami placed a hand over his mouth. “We’ll talk about it more after we get to the island.”

“Eh? Why?” Usopp gave her a bewildered look and received a glare in return. “I-I mean, yes! We’ll talk about it when we get there.”

Sanji looked from him to Nami to Chopper and back again. What were they hiding?

“SANJI. You tore my shirt I got from Sky Island.”

“Eh? Oh. Don’t worry my mellorine, I can fix it as if it were brand new.”

“No need. I’ll leave the bill in your room.” Nami straightened up to stretch her arms into the air and yawn. “I’m going to bed. See you all tomorrow.”

“Goodnight my beautiful angel, have wonderful dreams.”

Usopp rolled his eyes. “I’m going to take a bath. Night.”

Sanji watched him follow after Nami until they went to their different floors. Seeing that Chopper was the only one left, Sanji crouched down and tilted his head. “What’s the legend of argula?”

“Uhm, well, I think Nami doesn’t want us to tell until she has more information.”

“Is that so…okay. Get to bed, it’s late.”

“Yup. Goodnight Sanji.” Chopper hopped off a little slower than Usopp did.

Must be tired out. His shoulders slumped. Tomorrow they’d find Carrin, and she’d change him back. At least that’s what he figured would happen. Sanrio and Puroko’s words did worry him. What if Carrin refused? She had no reason to in Sanji’s opinion, but what if she did think he was sexist and didn’t want to help? What would he do then? He snorted. If he was stuck like this for a while maybe they’d get his wanted poster picture correct for once. Sanji stared for another moment at the pitch black sky until Zoro’s snoring came from across the deck. The weight of the dishes in his hand registered with the clink of chopsticks. A brush of cool air hit his bare shoulder where the seam sat ripped. Right. He had some chores to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i gotta get a feel for writing this every time i update since it takes me so long to make an update, will fix typos blah blah blah u know the drill


	5. Who cares? You're a girl now!

Between finishing the chores he should’ve finished yesterday evening and making breakfast this morning, Sanji managed to get an easy five hours of sleep. Wearing the black high waist capri pants that stopped 6 or so centimeters below his knees, and a blue t-shirt with the word “Fine Hey” printed over the front in white cursive. The shirt was tucked in to hang baggy around the waist. Strong contrast is what the beautiful woman at the shop recommended for his skin tone. He wasn’t going to argue with her because clearly she knew what she was doing. Sanji looked good.

French toast was what he was making this morning. Something sweet to offset the savory from yesterday morning. Balance.

Violin music played from the deck flooding into his kitchen, and Sanji tapped his shoe to the music. The short heels on them clicked when he whenever he took a few steps. He would’ve worn his normal dress shoes, but Nami and Robin had picked out three pairs for him out of the love in their hearts. It’d be rude not to wear every pair at least once while he could. Besides, there was a short heel on his dress shoes, though not as narrow, so technically it’s not like he hadn’t walked in heels before. The white mary janes were easy to get used to, and matched better than the bulbous look his dress shoes gave off. Hm. He should get a new pair of men’s when the opportunity struck himself. Not any time soon though. He had the bed and shirt fees from his angel Nami to pay off first.

Robin was the first in the kitchen after him, and Sanji, as per his routine, already had her coffee and other possible additions sitting on the table in front of her seat. Robin took her coffee black, but there was once where she asked for a single sugar cube to put into her cup. Sanji didn’t ask why. Sometimes a woman just wanted to treat herself. Instead, after that first time, he always put the sugar bowl and cream next to the pot even if she never touched them. The first time he did it, she gave him a small private smile in return. A thank you that he cherished with his whole heart. After that, it was another thing added to their routine. When Nami and the others woke up, Nami would politely ask Robin to pass the sugar for her tea and the rest of their filthy crew would chow like pigs not noticing the blessing they received by Robin and Nami’s presence.

Oh! Speaking of Nami. Sanji flipped the French toast in the pan and turned slightly to look at Robin. “Excuse me, Robin-chan.”

“Yes, Sanji?”

“Nami and the others seemed pretty tight lipped about it last night, but I assume they were too tired to want to go into it. What’s the Legend of Argula?”

Robin hummed and took a sip of her coffee. “Well, I’m sure Nami will enlighten everyone once we arrive there, but I suppose I can divulge a little of what I know.”

“If Nami-chan would prefer to keep it a secret…hm.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll only say enough so you’re prepared. Besides, you are going to hear the rest later.”

“Right. Go ahead, I won’t interrupt you again.” Sanji removed the French toast when it was perfect and crispy on the other side to a plate.

“The Legend of Argula. 2000 years ago, a man lost someone precious to him and vowed to live until he was able to meet them again. So, now, on the island we’re heading to is where that man’s castle lies.”

When Robin didn’t seem to say anything else, Sanji sighed and turned back to face the stove. “Great. Another haunted mansion expedition. Do you think we’ll get another one like Brook?”

“I would hope not. We have more than enough members to make a band for Brook.”

Sanji laughed only to pause and touch his throat. His laugh was, fluttery and light. Nothing like he was used to. At least not what he was used to hearing from himself.

“Sanji? Are you all right?”

“Ah? Yes, of course my darling Robin-chan! I just remembered that I couldn’t find any cinnamon sticks in the market. Allspice should be enough even if it’s not as hard hitting.”

Robin didn’t say anything in response to that, and Sanji was too scared to turn around and see her expression. There was nothing wrong with him. He was fine. He was healthy. The only thing that changed were a few aspects of his outer appearance. He couldn’t let Robin see him off kilter because nothing was wrong with him. Besides Brook, Robin was the only one he could talk to so early in the morning. When the day first settled, quiet and soft before life broke out onto the ship. That was when she and Sanji touched on topics together. Always brief, but sometimes the content of the conversation was heavy, and it was enough. Enough to make him remember he was alive. He hoped enough for her to remember the same. Sanji needed her to know that she could rely on him, not in the sense that he didn’t rely on her. He just couldn’t look weak in front of her. He avoided it when he was near the edge of death, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to falter even the slightest when he was like this.

Because he was fine.

When breakfast was finished, the rest of the strawhats barged into the kitchen in their own way one after the other. It wasn’t until everyone was served and absorbed in conversation that Sanji slipped out of the kitchen. He broke his rule, eating bits and pieces of food as he cooked that morning and he was happy he did. He couldn’t stomach eating and talking with everyone. Not right now. Sanji walked to the side of the ship on deck where he wouldn’t be spotted unless they were looking for him. He needed a cigarette.

His hands trembled as he pulled a cigarette from his too tight pants pocket. The tremble in his fingers turned to shaking when he tried to light the damn thing. The lighter falling to the ground and a curse coming from his lips. What was wrong with him? Nothing happened. Was this some side effect from the devil fruit, or was it something he needed to see Chopper about? Sanji clutched his chest just to jerk his hand away as if he’d been burned. It was wrong. He didn’t know what it was, but it was wrong and he needed to fix it and he couldn’t.

The salt in the sea air brought him down bit by bit. And he stood there. Sanji stood there until the shaking stopped, and he could breathe. He grabbed the lighter from the floor. The end of the cigarette in his mouth had grown soggy with spit so he tossed it. Wasn’t any good now. Just like him. Sanji bit the inside of his cheek. Where the hell had that come from?

Pocketing his lighter, Sanji thought there was no use smoking now. He’d probably missed the conversation over that argula guy in his rush to get out. Damn it. What was wrong with him? Putting a hand on his forehead, he closed his eyes tight.

“Sanji?”

His eyes snapped open and he looked out of the corner of his eye to see Usopp. “Yeah?”

“Did you-uh, already eat?” Usopp looked nervous. His shoe flexed like he was wiggling his toes and his hands were at his sides but his fingers twitched for something. “Nami asked where you were.”

“I’ll be there in a second. Don’t worry about me.” Sanji hoped his smile didn’t come out as a grimace.

Usopp’s eyebrows furrowed and he scratched his cheek. “You know you can talk to us if there’s something wrong, right?”

“Always known that, and if there is I’ll let you know. Thank you.”

Usopp didn’t look convinced, but he knew when to push and when to let things go. So with a nod towards Sanji, he went back to the kitchen. Once he was out of sight, Sanji slapped his cheeks a few times. He needed to get it together. All moping or thoughts of distress were to be kept in his room until this weird shift of emotions was gone. Nami spotted Sanji when he got to the stairs and met him down at the bottom with a bag folded over her arms.

“There you are! Did you eat breakfast?”

“Of course, Nami-chwan~.” Sanji thought she was so considerate being concerned for him. Their relationship must’ve been shifting to romantic.

“Good. Put this on.” Nami placed the long black bag into Sanji’s arms. “The island isn’t far, so we’re taking the Minis to get there.”

“We?”

“Everyone this time. The score’s too big to leave anyone on Sunny.”

Sanji nodded and unzipped the bag to peak inside. “Eh, Nami-chan.”

“Yeah?”

“This is, well, it looks like a wedding dress.”

“Don’t worry Sanji, we’ll all be wearing disguises.” Nami started to push him towards his room, but stopped to lean over to his side. “Unless you’re uncomfortable with wearing that?”

“No, of course not.” He couldn’t say no to Nami. He’d swim a thousand seas, drink the most potent poison, battle the strongest monster with both legs tied together and more before he’d ever tell her no.

Which was why Sanji found himself with his head in his hands sitting on the edge of the bed while the dress laid across his dresser. All he had to do was put it on. He didn’t have to look at himself in the mirror, and Nami’s plan to do whatever they were going  
to do must be flawless. Which means he needed to get changed.

…

Any minute now.

…

Getting up and taking off what he was wearing would be a good start.

…

This shouldn’t be so difficult.

He untucked his shirt, shucking it onto the bed. He wasted too much time sitting there to fold anything as he wiggled out of his pants. Realizing his shoes were still on, he bent down awkwardly to unbuckle them before slipping his feet out of the heels and taking his pants off the rest of the way. He hadn’t touched the sexy pair of underwear Nami got him opting for the more practical look of the briefs. Yet, feeling the material of the dress as he unzipped it he wondered if the line of his underwear would show.

The dress wasn’t too dramatic. Heart shaped top with a white satin wrapping for an empress waist. A bow sat in the middle of the wrapping and the dress hugged him before flowing loose from his hip height down. No straps, but the top piece around his chest was the only part of the dress that had embroidery. He had to tuck the dress up so he could put his shoes back on. The veil stayed in a smaller bag along with the white gloves Sanji was afraid he’d get dirtied by opening doors on the ship. He also put his cigarettes and lighter in there since he didn’t have pockets.

When he got on deck, he saw Chopper and Usopp running around the mast in navy toned suits while Nami in a sea green dress was adjusting a pouting Luffy’s tie.

“We only get one shot at this. I’m not letting you run around looking stupid.” Nami turned to look at Usopp and Chopper. “STOP RUNNING OR YOU’LL WRINKLE THOSE JACKETS.”

Sanji looked up to see Robin and Franky walking down the stairs dressed in a similar fashion. Robin in a matching dress like Nami’s and Franky with a suit jacket, button up, and tie. Even his speedo was navy which was as close as anyone could get with him. He still didn’t understand why the cyborg hated pants. What a weird pervert.

Nami took notice of Sanji once she was done fixing Luffy up. “Hmmm. I guess you could put on the rest after we get there.”

“Um, Nami-chan. I trust your judgement in all things, but what are we doing?”

“You left before I said that part at breakfast huh? The island we’re going to only welcomes wedding parties, so if we were to take Sunny they’d know we were pirates and chase us off.”

Now he was more confused, but he nodded nonetheless. Wedding parties? He froze in horror realizing that what he was wearing was a wedding dress. His eyes darted from one person to the other wondering which he’d have to play blushing bride with and he felt his entire chest cave in. Sanji thought his nightmare was bad? This was worst day of his life! He couldn’t even ask Nami for more information without letting her know he’d missed the entirety of breakfast, and then she’d worry about him and ask what’s wrong. He’d loved to accept her comforts as she’d hold him close to her chest, but there’d be no progression after that with his body like this. Fate was cruel.

“Yohoho! There’s my blushing bride!”

Sanji hiked up his skirt ready to kick the damn skeleton off the boat before Nami yelled at him to stop.

Nami stood with her hands on her hips. “Don’t go around kicking in that dress unless you’re in an actual fight. You’ll tear it too soon otherwise.”

“But-but but, Nami-chwan! Why him?”

“You have to have an ugly husband for this plan to work. We were going to go with Usopp-.“

“HEY.”

“But we figured if you needed back-up Brook might be a bit more reliable, and I needed Usopp for something else.” Nami continued as if Usopp didn’t interrupt her.

“I still say we should’ve gone with Zoro. Sanji always says he’s the ugliest brute on this ship.” Luffy crossed his arms and nodded his head.

Usopp and Chopper did the same humming in agreement.

“What was that?” Zoro’s voice came from behind them causing Chopper to leap into Usopp arms in fear.

“We were joking. We were joking.” Usopp said as sweat built on his face.

Zoro snorted. “Are we leaving now?”

“Let’s see, 1, 2, 3… Yup, we’re all here and dressed. Let’s get down to the docking channels. Sanji, don’t get a single spot on that dress.” Nami’s heels tapped as she went to the open hatch in the lawn.

Sanji looked at Zoro, his suit already kind of ruffled, and rolled his eyes. That was going to last about as long as Zoro’s other suits. Brook was in matching white with Sanji making the color of his bones appear with a yellowed tint. Everyone went down until only Sanji was left on the lawn deck.

“Wait, Sanji. You should hop down. The ladder’s a little filthy.” Robin’s beautiful voice came from the bottom.

Hop down? Sanji’s eyebrow twitched. If he hopped down the air would cause the skirt of the dress to fly up. He’d be damned if Brook actually saw his underwear. He couldn’t just grip the dress against him and hop down to prevent that either because then there’d be wrinkles and which would disappoint his precious Nami. The only way to prevent either would be to fall into someone’s arms. His beautiful Robin wasn’t suggesting he do something like that would she?

“Robin’s right Sanji. Someone catch him before he lands. I don’t want his shoes to break.” Nami’s comment sealed the deal. “We’re going to go a little ahead. You have the coordinates?”

“As long as we don’t let Zoro steer we’ll be fine.” Brook’s voice followed.

“Oi, what’s that supposed to mean?”

Sanji looked down the hatch to see Zoro at the bottom of the ladder. Ugh. Why couldn’t Robin be there instead. “If you drop me I’ll kick you through the hull of this ship.”

“I’d like to see you try.” Zoro held his arms out with a cocky smirk on his face.

Sanji hoped he’d break the bastard’s shitty arms when he landed. Keeping the bag close to his chest with one hand and an arm against his butt so his skirt didn’t fly up, Sanji hopped down and landed in Zoro’s arms. The shitty moss didn’t even flinch when  
Sanji landed, instead setting him on his feet. Zoro did have a “what the hell?” look on his face when Sanji stood in front of him. Sanji felt a shit eating grin come onto his face and put his hand on his own cheek.

“What’s wrong marimo? Shrunk in the wash?”

Zoro’s eyes widened when he realized what it was and then narrowed. “What do you know. Idiots do get taller.”

“You must’ve lost some more brain cells this morning if that’s the best you can come up with.”

“You’re keeping track? I didn’t think you could count past two.”

Sanji took a few seconds to process the insult before he was in Zoro’s face. “YOU SON OF A-.“

“SHUT THE HELL UP.” Nami looked one second from knocking them both in the head. “You two didn’t hear a word I said did you?”

Both looked away, Zoro with a huff, and Sanji in embarrassment. How had Nami’s beautiful voice fail to reach his ears.

Nami sighed. “As I was saying. Usopp, Chopper, and Franky should ride together in the submarine. Luffy, you’re riding with me on the glider. As for you four, I need Robin, Zoro, and Brook to give off as menacing an aura as possible. If that doesn’t lure out the  
count to capture Sanji, then we’ll fall back on plan b. Got it?”

“No fair! How come I don’t get to go in the shark?” Luffy pointed to the docking channel as Chopper ran to the door.

“You already agreed to your role this morning at breakfast.”

“Yeah, but that was before I knew there was a new shark submarine.”

Nami pulled his cheeks stretching them as far as she could. “I’m sorry, do you want to keep arguing with me Luffy, or do I have to beat some sense into you?”

“Sowwy, pwease wet go.”

“That’s what I thought.” Nami released his cheeks and dragged him by the ear to their docking channel.

Sanji was getting kidnapped? He followed behind Robin to the docking for the mini-merry and was handed a bouquet after being seated. He gave Brook a small thank you in exchange, setting the flowers in his lap to dig through the bag for the veil. With the veil on, he could glare at Zoro since the living broccoli took the front seat next to Robin before Sanji could sit there.

Robin spoke as she steered as if she hadn’t stopped speaking to Sanji earlier that morning. “2000 years ago, there was a young count about to become the lord of his estate. He’d never known his mother, since she died while giving birth to his younger sister. His father saw his sister as a bad omen and had her married off to a prince in a faraway land as soon as she was old enough. Once his father passed, the count realized he’d have no choice but to marry. He searched long and hard for a woman who could return his love as dearly as he gave it. When his father finally passed due to illness is when she appeared.

Her name is lost in the stories of this tale, but her description remained vivid. A woman of a petite figure, but with a heart of fire. Her hair as gold as the sun. and her eyes a brighter blue than the sky. Her smile lit up the darkness in his life, and her laugh returned a fiery passion he’d thought he’d lost when his sister went away. However, their love was not to be. On the day of their wedding, a man with an ugly heart came stomping down the aisle. It was a suitor who the bride had rejected several years before she met the count. The suitor was infuriated and beyond a level to have a civil conversation.

Then, in a fit of rage, the suitor struck the bride. Her head bounced against a rock when she landed on the ground killing her in an instant. The count was in shock. The shock then turned to fury as he wrapped the veil around the suitor’s neck and strangled him to death in front of the wedding’s audience. The dead bride’s family called him a monster. His distant family made no claim to him. His sister’s husband tried getting her to cut contact with him indefinitely, so she did.

On the night of what was to be his honeymoon, the count swore that he wouldn’t die until he met his love again. Every 80 years since then, the count has come to town to steal a bride on her wedding day from a man with an ugly heart hoping the woman he steals will be his bride reincarnated. He only ever takes women that fit the description of his wife, and it’s believed that his castle holds treasures so ancient their price is impossible to estimate.”

“Is that why this island only takes wedding parties?” Sanji rubbed a petal on one of the flowers.

“The town makes a lot of money from couples who wish to take pictures in front of the castle. They’ve themed the entire island from the legend, so it’s a tourist trap. Many people try to break into the castle, but they either leave traumatized, or they don’t leave at all.” Robin folded her hands in her lap as the wind whipped her hair from her face.

Scratching his chest, Zoro yawned. “Just gotta steal from a 2000-year-old ghost. That’s going to go well.”

“Exploring an ancient castle likely full of booby traps in the search for treasure. Oh, being a pirate does get my blood pumping! If I had any blood.” Brook laughed.

Sanji put on the gloves from the bag and leaned back against the wooden seat. At least he knew the plan now. Get kidnapped, play the blushing bride as a distraction, Nami robs the ghost blind, and they all leave richer. As long as there weren’t any hitches, this plan should go as well as Nami’s other plans which meant he’d be fine. Goosebumps broke across Sanji’s arms when the boat made a turn. Why did he feel like he was being watched?


	6. If you become light headed from thirst, feel free to pass out.

Nami and the others were waiting at the docks when the Mini Merry pulled into port. A man in formal wear approached them. His vest looked too tight around his thin frame, and his legs were thinner. Sanji wondered how he was standing on them, but saw the giant black shoes that sprouted from his ankles and had the answer. Sanji let Brook help him out of the boat after Robin and Zoro got out. Robin handed Zoro a pair of sunglasses he put on with snort.

Nami talked to the man in the vest. “Make sure not to get a scratch on any of our vessels. They’re worth more than your entire salary.”

Sanji’s expression wasn’t visible from the veil, but he was taken back at the haughty voice she used. He knew they were playing a role, but it was odd to see his sweet and kind Nami like this.

“Where are we supposed to have our beautiful daughter married? Isn’t this supposed to be the most prestigious island for lovers to be wed? There aren’t enough towers on any of these buildings! It looks like a peasant village.” Usopp chimed in throwing his arm in a wide arc to the town.

“Now now dear, I’m sure the castle isn’t anywhere near this wretched place.”

The man spoke with a quiet voice. “Actually, my Lord and Lady, weddings take place at the chapel. Though, you may visit the castle to take pictures during the reception.”

Usopp flailed his arms. “WHAT? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. WE SPENT GOOD MONEY COMING HERE TO HAVE THE WEDDING IN THE CASTLE. DO WE HAVE TO BUY THIS ISLAND?”

The man was sweating now. “I-I’m sorry, my lord. My superiors have more control over that than I do.”

Nami and Usopp took turns yelling at the poor guy while Sanji took note of everyone else. Chopper was in his heavy point with sunglasses that matched Zoro’s, Franky’s, and Luffy’s. They were probably supposed to be body guards. At some point between them leaving Sunny and getting to the dock, Usopp and Nami donned matching long coats with a fur trim. Nami was dazzling in her jewelry, and Usopp was wearing a big hat and curly mustache. It was too hot for coats, but Sanji guessed the look was to add to the illusion. Robin stood by him, almost hovering. He wondered what role she was supposed to play.

“Not only will we not stand for this, but neither will our beautiful daughter! Isn’t that right, Sanjiko?” Usopp turned to Sanji with his arms crossed.

Sanjiko? Really? That was the best fake name Usopp could come up with? Everyone stared at him waiting for a response, and Sanji realized with panic that he had no idea what to say. He wasn’t actually at breakfast that morning.

Robin leaned down to whisper in Sanji’s ear. “Say the chapel is fine.”

“Uh. Well, I think the chapel will be fine.” Sanji stopped himself from gripping the paper of the bouquet.

Nami sighed. “Well, if that’s what my sweet girl wants I have no choice to provide. Come along, dear.”

Usopp turned his nose up at the man before taking Nami’s arm in his own. Sanji was close to kicking Usopp clear across the island for that when Robin placed a hand on his shoulder. Try to stay focused. Sanji closed his eyes, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. He could kick Usopp’s ass later. Sanji followed between Brook and Robin. Nami and Usopp kept a few feet ahead so the rest of their crew boxed them in on their way to the chapel. All they needed was an excessive entourage to complete their look, but the people in the town followed their path and started their own whispers about them. The leering eyes and bouts of laughter made him nervous. He felt ridiculous in the dress and pressed the bouquet against his chest. The petals were soft and cool on his skin. The church coming into site after walking for so long was a relief.

The building looked like any other church he’d seen. There were white walls with dark grey pyramid roof tops, stained glass windows with images of angels, round topped entrance doors, and circle windows low enough for children to peer through. There was only a small step before the door that Sanji failed to notice anyone else stepping over since he tripped over it. The bouquet flew out of his hands, and a pair of arms popped out of Nami’s back grabbing the flowers before they hit her head.

Chopper took the bouquet handing it back to an embarrassed Sanji without a word. He did give Sanji a small nod.

Robin chuckled. “A little early to be throwing the bouquet.”

Nami seemed unaware of being nearly smacked with a bunch of flowers, and Sanji was thankful for small mercies. He didn’t need to show off a black eye when his veil was lifted.

As soon as the doors opened, Sanji noticed how full of people the chapel benches were. How much had Nami planned in advance? The first three rows at the front on each side were empty. That must be the spot reserved for families of the married couple.

They were greeted by a pale, balding man in a grey suit. “Hello, marriage party of Sanjiko and Bradley. I am Mr. Yoyumura. Your coordinator.”

Who the fuck was Bradley?

Sanji turned his head to Brook who was looking around with his jaw dropped. Did everyone else have shitty fake names too? What did Robin and Nami pick?

“Yes. Good to see you’re punctual.” Nami turned her nose up at Mr. Yoyumura to show she wasn’t impressed.

“Of course, Lord and Lady Bastion. I’m sure you’re eager to see your daughter get married to-.” Mr. Yoyumura looked at Brook and failed to hide his grimace. “This, handsome young man. You had no trouble finding the place?”

Usopp and Nami said nothing. Their looks of displeasure visible on their faces. Luffy began to fidget and Sanji watched from the corner of his eye as Franky flicked him in the neck to get him to stop.

Mr. Yoyumura cleared his throat. “I do hope our reception area is more to your liking. Well, let’s get the ceremony started.”

The group was led to the altar where a priest was standing in her robes with a holy book held in her arm against her chest. Her black, coiled hair was held tight in a high bun, and the makeup on her face was simple, red lipstick, a light blush for her round cheeks, and thin eyeliner. She was stunning, but Sanji couldn’t focus on that. Instead, he watched his “parents” and his “body guards” take their seats. Robin stood next to him at the altar. A bridesmaid. That’s what her role was.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in an eternal bond filled with love and compassion." The priest gestured to Sanji and Brook as she spoke.

Dear god when was Sanji supposed to get kidnapped because he was not about to get married to Brook of all people.

“The groom, if you would lift the veil of your beloved.”

“My pleasure.” Brook’s bony fingers flipped the veil from Sanji’s face making him squint.

“Such a beautiful bride.”

Sanji blinked a few times and gave the priest a weak smile. He needed to be kidnapped right now, or he was going to set his “groom” on fire.

Someone began wailing in the back of the church garnering the attention of a few people sitting by them. The priest opened her mouth to continue, but the wailing turned into a loud choking sob with more wailing following. Sanji knew that was the sound of a beautiful woman yearning for comfort. Robin must’ve sensed his thought because a hand was on his shoulder turning him back to face Brook. Okay, so he couldn’t go comfort the poor girl. He wondered what gods were mocking him as he stood at the altar. Nami and Usopp looked confused which didn’t bode well. This was what was supposed to happen, wasn’t it?

Everyone in the benches turned to the sound, muttering and talking among themselves wondering what was going on. A coincidence, since Sanji was wondering the same thing. Zoro and Chopper made eye contact only to shrug.

Usopp hopped onto the bench pointing at the offender. “Who dares interrupt the wedding of my one and only daughter!”

A thin faced woman with long green hair that flowed past her elbows stood up. Tears streamed down her face as she walked to the center of the aisle with all eyes on her. Her dress was just as long, dragging on the ground and a pale blue. Doe eyes drooped low on her face making her look like a sad puppy, and her lips trembled as she sniffled.

“Who are you?” Nami had her hand in her coat on her clima-tact.

The room grew quiet waiting for her response.

“I’m so sorry.” The woman sniffled. “I just love weddings.”

The window above the church door shattered behind the woman sending glass flying over the audience. The strawhats who were far enough away not to get hit watched as the woman’s body became translucent. Her dress and hair molded into her body which grew in size casting a shadow over the panicking audience. A child screamed and people got up from their seats running for the nearest exit.

“Everyone.” Nami’s voice was small but still clear over the panicked screams.

“Y-y-yes?” Chopper had shrunk back to his normal size and was shaking by Luffy’s leg.

“This was not in the plan.”

The giant mass of slime vaguely shaped like the woman seemed to regain her focus, turning her gaze towards Nami and Usopp.

“Abort mission!” Nami scrambled back.

 Usopp followed after her barely scraping under the giant slime hand that reached for them. A gust of air blew hard against Sanji’s back sending the bouquet and his veil down the aisle. He spotted Robin and Brook thrown from his side from the resulting wind.

 Sanji heard Luffy call his name before brown wings engulfed him from behind. He looked up to see the face of the priest, her hair down in a mess with a grinning mouthful of sharp teeth. She was still beautiful, but her menacing aura didn’t reassure him in the slightest. He didn’t get his foot off the floor when he felt a prick in his neck. Cold water spread over his neck and down his chest as he fell back. The ground fell out from under him a moment later with another crash of breaking glass. Sanji’s vision blurred as the church grew smaller and smaller.

 

When Sanji came to, he was lying in bed. His head felt fuzzy, and his mouth tasted like cotton. What was he doing last? Groggy, he pushed himself from the soft mattress, the blanket that was over him fell to his hip. He reached up to scratch his chest and felt the smooth curve of breasts and weird stitched material.

Oh right.

His body was still wrong.

Sanji’s thoughts came back bit by bit. Carroway pirates, his dick was stolen, needed to find the sister to change him back, haunted castle to infiltrate, pretend to be a bride, and get kidnapped so Nami can get her money.

Sanji bit his lip. Nami and the others must be all right, but he hoped no one was too hurt. They had more incentive to get Sanji now since there was a bird woman and a giant sentient mass of slime they needed to fight. He wished he’d reminded Nami and the others to ask about Carrin around town before they got to the church. Now they were probably too worried to think about nothing but saving him. Sanji let himself slump onto the pillows and groaned. He could imagine his beautiful Robin with her angel wings made of arms coming down from the sky to sweep him off his feet. Or maybe Nami stirring up a strong tornado and grabbing Sanji to run off into the sunset with a cocky smile on her face. Sanji reached up to wipe the blood from his nose when he heard footsteps and an odd clacking padding outside the hall.

Who was coming?

His brain was too woozy for him to be kicking around, but he could hide if needed. Using his meager strength, Sanji got out of bed and eased himself towards the door. The light from between the bottom of the wood and the floor was enough for him in the dark room. The murmuring he heard in the hall turned into a conversation as the steps grew closer.

“You got the wrong bride! Now you’ve ruined the happiest day of some girl’s life.” A masculine voice spoke.

Got the wrong bride? Sanji pressed his ear against the door.

“What do you mean the wrong one? Blonde hair, blue eyes, barely any breasts on her chest. She’s exactly what you described.”

Sanji recognized the second voice as the fake priest who stole him. And what did she mean by barely any breasts? If Sanji wanted to keep his tits he would’ve resented that.

The masculine voice sighed. “It’s too late to fix anything now. We can only apologize and hope for the best. The poor girl must be traumatized.”

“I think if anything I did her a favor. How would you even fuck a skeleton?”

Sanji moved away from the door to hide in one of the shadowed corners when the voices were in front of the door.

“Not everything is about sex. True love knows no bounds.” The doorknob jingled.

“You’d be the king of that information, wouldn’t you.”

The door opened and a flip was switched flooding the room with light. Sanji raised his arms to shield himself.

Fuck that was bright.

“My dear lady, what are you doing out of bed?”

Sanji lowered his arms, his blurred vision adjusting to the light as he took in who the voice was coming from. A man looked at Sanji with concern in his eyes. He must’ve been as tall as Brook with his top hat on. His hair was just as black as the fake priest’s flowing in loose curls over his shoulders. Sanji took note of his almond shaped eyes with honeyed brown irises, sturdy jawline, and wide nose that laid flat against his face. He was…handsome. Which concerned Sanji since not only he didn’t look any older than thirty, but Sanji didn’t ever think of men he met in real life as attractive. Dream men yes, real ones on the other hand always had disgusting habits that would make him roll his eyes. Was this the 2000 year old ghost they were supposed to be robbing from? Even the man’s clothes looked more recent than Sanji would like to admit.

“See? The poor woman is so terrified she’s speechless. What did you and Aliana do?” The man remained crouched, holding his hand out for Sanji to grab.

The fake priest waved him off. “What we do every time brother. She causes a ruckus, distracts the family, and I snatch the bride.”

Sanji ignored the man’s hand and stood up on his own shaky legs. Brother? What happened to the count’s sister cutting all contact with her sibling? “What’s going on?”

The man Sanji assumed was the count stood up and stared at Sanji. The fake priest-er, the count’s sister did the same.

A beat passed with no one saying anything.

“Firstly, allow me to introduce myself. I am Count Tafiv Argula. This is my younger sister, Dyenti Argula. This has all been a large misunderstanding, which is entirely my fault. I can’t reimburse you for the time you lost today, but I can pay back the costs rendered for travel and the like.” Count Argula scratched his jaw.

Sanji pointed at him. “You’re the 2000 year old ghost who stole me from marrying a man with an ugly heart, but you’re not a ghost. You’re not even pale. You’re brown, and so is your sister who’s supposed to have cut all contact with you and probably died like in the legend which is once again 2000 years old. So, explain.”

“Perhaps you’d like to have dinner first. You were unconscious for a few hours, and I’m sure you’re famished.” Tafiv bowed slightly and gestured towards the door.

Sanji didn’t move giving the count a bored look.

“I’ll explain on the way to dinner?”

“Good answer.” Sanji felt more coherent and less woozy as he walked towards the door.

Sanji heard Dyenti mutter something along the lines of “I like her” to a sputtering Tafiv as he took his gloves off. Luckily he was going the right way down the hall because the count and Dyenti said nothing about where to go when they caught up to him.

“Most of the legend is true. My sister marrying a man from a different country, my father dying, my wife to be struck by an ex-suitor, but she didn’t die. She became sick and delirious, the head injury being what’s now called a severe concussion.” The count’s eyes grew distant. “I was at a loss until a witch offered to me a cure for her. Desperate, I followed her instructions using all the money at my disposal to make sure everything was perfect. However, to complete the ritual I needed a bride in her image.

I found a woman in an arranged marriage, who was eager to escape her situation. I only needed a fraction of her soul to bring my wife back, so we struck a deal. She’d give me a bit of her life, and I’d kidnap her on the day of her wedding so that she could run off and have the adventures she dreamed of without her family being the wiser. What I was told the ritual would do and what it actually did were entirely different. Instead of healing my wife, her body disintegrated, and I was cursed with eternal life. The witch mocked me saying it was the only way my wife would always be with me.

My sister who lied to her husband about cutting contact with me, caught wind of the situation and made travel plans to stop me. As you can see, she was too late, but her temper was never mild.”

Dyenti scoffed. “Your temper is too mild. I killed the witch, and she cursed me with her last breath. Now I’m a harpy, and eternal life fucking sucks.”

The hallway didn’t have many turns, but Sanji knew he wouldn’t be able to navigate them on his own.

“Watch your language in front of this young lady. I am so sorry for her foul mouth.”

The trio went down a spiral staircase through an open-air room. The floor was smooth marble, and was that slivers of gold in there too? This guy must be loaded. There were multiple hallways that lead out from the giant room with more and more doors and portraits hanging on those walls. Yeah, he was definitely going to get lost in a place this big.

“It’s okay.” Sanji felt out of his depth. He wanted to correct the count, but he wasn’t sure if he should still play blushing bride or come out and tell them the truth. He needed more information. “What about that conversation you were having before you came into my room?”

“Well, after that bridal kidnapping the legend surrounding me grew. It didn’t help that this is still my property until I die, so all sorts of people would come barging in trying to claim my home.”

“Or arrest him for kidnapping,” Dyenti said with a huff.

“Or arrest me for kidnapping. I had to get rid of a lot of people, some more stubborn than others whether they were treasure hunters or government officials. Eventually, the town and I worked out a contract. I let married couples take pictures in front of my castle year-round, steal a bride from a fake wedding they set up every eighty years, and I keep my property mostly untouched by outsiders. My sister, and her partner got your wedding confused with the fake one that was to take place after your ceremony.”

“Who knew having a bride stealer on your island would boost tourism so highly. Those people are rolling in dough from weddings alone.” Dyenti opened a set of engraved double doors.

The smell of peppers and coconut hit his nose as he took in the décor of the dining room. The table was large enough for a banquet. Franky would be impressed from the size and quality of the wood. Heavy red and gold curtains with elegant trimming hung on the walls dipping under so the tops wouldn’t touch the ceiling. The paneling for the walls and the floor were a dark wood. Mahogany maybe?

“This is where I take my leave. Aliana exhausted herself, and I need to make sure she’s okay.” Dyenti turned on her heel.

Sanji watched her until she turned a corner. “What about the woman?”

“The woman?”

“Yeah, the one you made a deal with to bring back your dead wife. What happened to her?”

“The ritual turned her into a monster as well, but she took it better than I did. Even being slime, she and my sister fell in love, and now they help me with the kidnapping every 80 years when they’re not out at sea.” Tafiv led Sanji to a chair near the head of the table.

The count seemed uncomfortable. Which would make sense since he thought he’d ruined some unknown girl’s wedding day. Sanji would feel awkward too if their places were switched. He needed to get the guy to relax. If the count was tense and alert the whole time Sanji was there, his crew wouldn’t be able to sneak in unnoticed.

“Tafiv right?”

“Yes.”

“No need to call me lady. My name’s Sanji.” Sanji did what he saw Nami do when she wanted the price lowered on something and crossed his arms under his chest. “I didn’t want to marry that guy anyway.”

“I’m sorry…you have a strong name. I’m sure you hold it well. Do you like curry, Sanji? My chefs make the best in the world.” Tafiv pulled out a chair for him.

“Not as good as mine probably.” The words slipped out of his mouth before Sanji could stop them and he froze.

“You cook?” Tafiv didn’t look insulted. In fact, there was curiosity in his eyes.

Sanji couldn’t reveal too much. Robin told him the trick to lying was saying as little as possible, and letting the other person fill things in. “Yes. I was a chef at a restaurant.”

The corners of Tafiv’s eyes crinkled as he smiled. “I’d love to try some of your cooking if you’d let me.”

“If there’s time before my wedding party gets here, then yeah.” Sanji felt his cheeks grow warm.

He did not need this right now.


	7. I bet your name's Mickey, 'cause you're so fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crawls from the depths to drop this chapter into your hands*  
> take it  
> take it and dont look back

Sanji took one bite of his curry before grabbing a napkin to press against his mouth.

All he could taste was salt.

He was never the type to waste food, but Sanji knew a batch like this belonged in a bucket of chum. Not for human consumption. Spitting his mouthful into the fabric, he wiped his mouth with a clean corner before setting the napkin aside.

Tafiv hadn’t touched his food yet but was working to pull the cork out of a bottle of wine.

“Tafiv.”

“Yes?”

“Is this how the curry always tastes?”

“The head chef, Laurence, started making it last year. I assume this is how it’s supposed to taste.”

Holy shit he must be joking. Sanji stared at Tafiv long and hard before closing his eyes in mock pain. He wasn’t joking. If Sanji were to cook something like this it wouldn’t leave the stove, but this made it out of the kitchen and onto the fancy dinner plates with the fine dining set of silver utensils. Specifically, the set with each spoon, knife, and fork having a singular purpose. What should he do? He didn’t want to go to bed hungry, if there was time for him to sleep. Tafiv said he’d been knocked out for a few hours, but the fact that they were having dinner meant it was longer than that, or maybe the count just ate dinner super early in the evening.

A grandfather clock in the corner of the room chimed catching Sanji’s attention. It was too far away to see the time, but Sanji counted the bongs that thrummed over the room.

One, two, three, four…no more bongs followed.

Who the hell ate dinner at four in the afternoon? This was snack time for the rest of his crew.

 Tafiv managed to free the cork from the neck of wine and filled Sanji’s glass halfway. “This is a merlot aged 60 years.”

Sanji clasped his hands together. One did not combine a dry wine with a salty curry. “Please take me to your chef.”

“Oh? You’d like to pay your compliments to him directly? Well, I’m sure he’d be flattered hearing such praise from another chef.” Tafiv beamed at Sanji while he set the wine down.

Sanji managed to push his chair back partway before Tafiv was running over to help him stand. He didn’t need the help, but if Tafiv was insistent on being a gentleman then Sanji wasn’t about to push him away. He did have manners.

What Sanji didn’t expect upon entering the kitchen was seeing a fishman, no, a turtle man seemed a more appropriate description for the figure in chef’s garb. The chef’s coat they wore stretched taught around the shell of his back, and his face was more turtle than man with the beak mouth and bulbous black eyes that sat high on his head. Sanji stayed just behind Tafiv as they approached, not sure what to expect.

“Chef Laurence, my companion, Sanji, wanted to pay you compliments on dinner.”

“I didn’t say that.” Sanji muttered while he shuffled further behind Tafiv.

“She’s come to compliment the curry? Who is she?”

“My companion, from the yearly deal I have with the town. Funny story is she was the wrong bride. It was a mistake on Dyenti’s part, but Sanji’s been very forgiving.”

Tafiv’s height effectively blocked any view Laurence would have of Sanji as he scanned the kitchen. The set up was huge. Larger than any he’d ever seen, and he’d been in a lot of castles with Luffy’s shenanigans taking them here and there. There were four refrigerators, double dutch ovens that set neck and neck with each other, tall cabinets with glass doors which revealed their contents of dried spices, living herbs, and holy shit was that stone arch oven taking up the back wall. This was heaven. How did something so bad come out of a kitchen so nice?

Sanji walked over to a spice rack which took up three long rows above a grey marble countertop. But something was off. Reaching over, he rotated a few of the bottles with aged labeling. The writing was incomprehensible. How old were these?

Laurence’s flabbergasted voice called from the across the room. “Girl, what do you think you’re doing?”

Sanji had grabbed the container of cardamom and opened the lid to sniff the contents. “You haven’t been rotating your spices. These must’ve been on the shelf for years now.” He furrowed his brow and replaced the container. “Do you know what curry is supposed to taste like?”

“I’m sure I know more than you do. Get away from there.”

“I’m sorry to intrude upon your kitchen, Chef Laurence, but as a fellow chef I can’t allow you to keep serving what you serve and call it food.”

“You? A chef?” Laurence burst into laughter.

Sanji snorted, lifting the skirt of his dress to walk back over to the duo. Unfortunately, he already knew the type he’d be dealing with. There was no worse chef than one who was unwilling to learn, and this one was a turtle who’d been alive for who knows how long. The old ones get set in their ways so fast, they think they can do no wrong. It was painful to watch really.

“Any half assed cook can call himself a chef. What’re your credentials? Your job experience? Working in your mother’s kitchen every once in a while? Oh no, that dress looks expensive. Did your nanny’s let you wear the chef hat while handing you sprigs of mint to place on tiny cakes?”

Sanji could feel that itch in his leg, but he couldn’t kick the asshole. He needed to keep his cover. “Chef Laurence, if it is hospitable, I would like to use your kitchen to prepare my own curry. I’m sure that will be proof enough.”

“Absolutely not.”

Tafiv stepped in. “Come now, you asked for credentials. What better than having her cook something? Sanji said she’s been working in a restaurant for years.”

“Doesn’t matter. A chef’s kitchen is like their home, and you’ve come in here with this rude girl who’s done nothing but make a mockery of mine.”

“I’m very sorry to have intruded on your doorstep without taking off my shoes.” Sanji bowed curtly. “It’s clear you’re wise beyond your years, but I also promised Tafiv I would cook him something before leaving.”

Laurence scratched his jaw with a clawed hand in thought.

If buttering him up didn’t work Sanji was ready to send a few kicks flying. There was no way in hell he’d be able to stomach anymore of that salty concoction waiting in the dining room. Did the old man even have taste buds? Tafiv pulled Laurence aside, and they began whispering in a hurried manner. Sanji followed the exchange as he stood up from his bow and adjusted the top of his dress. Almost fell out there. That would’ve been mortifying.

Tafiv and Laurence walked back over to Sanji, with Laurence taking off his apron to shove it into Sanji’s hands.

“I’m going to watch you like a hawk, you understand?” Laurence narrowed his eyes.

“Of course.” Sanji bit the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning.

Putting the apron on, Sanji cracked his knuckles and set to work. Sanji was only allowed the stove and half a meter of counter space in the kitchen. Chef Laurence didn’t trust him near the fridge, or the vegetable rack, or the spice rack, so he had Sanji list all the ingredients he would need and set them down on the counter. He didn’t have to prepare any rice since the chef managed to get that correct, instead Sanji focused on cutting vegetables, sautéing the meat with onions, making a honeyed rou for the curry sauce, and going heavier on the spices than he normally would due to their condition. Once all the components were gathered into the same pot, Sanji diced an apple and slid the cubes inside giving the whole pot a few more stirs before popping the lid on.

Tafiv was amazed, but kept his distance so as not to disturb Sanji while he worked. Chef Laurence on the other hand had a comment for everything Sanji did. That’s not how he was supposed to cut vegetables. The meat looked over cooked. Fruit? Who puts fruit in a savory dish? Did Sanji look like he was a child? Zeff taught him this exact recipe, and he knew it better than his favorite recipes. Now that he thought about it, did he ever make this version for Nami and Robin? Usually the variety of ingredients available to him had Sanji always adjusting his recipes so the excess was used efficiently. He’d have to look into his log book when he got back to Sunny.

Sanji opened his eyes in time to spot Chef Laurence reaching for the lid. “Don’t touch it.”

“It’s been ten minutes. You need to stir it.”

“The apples have to cook for another five. The water from them goes into the sauce lengthening the thickening process. Don’t touch it.”

Chef Laurence huffed, crossing his arms.

“Do you have any beer?”

“We have everything, girl.”

“Good, because you don’t pair curry with wine. You pair it with beer. With wine you’re more focused on the taste, ignoring the curry you’re helping yourself to.”

“And just who told you this?” Chef Laurence turned to go back to the fridge.

“A practicing alcoholic with a bad haircut. Who else would know better?” Sanji took the apron off, folding it to rest over his arm. “Tafiv, could you grab a few bowls and spoons?”

“Of course.” Tafiv gave a passing glance to Laurence as he went to a higher cabinet, grabbing wide bowls better suited for ramen than curry.

Sanji didn’t say anything to deter his enthusiasm. “Tafiv, can I ask you something?”

“You just did, ha!” Chef Laurence came back with several beer bottles taller than Sanji’s arm.

Tafiv was smiling as if he was going to laugh, but didn’t. “You can ask me anything you like, Sanji.”

“Pardon me if this is rude, but you’ve been alive for a long time. Do you even need to eat?”

“Not really. I just like to. I can still taste things, and there are so many different types of food that are being grown, created too, millions of possibilities and combinations. Since I have the time, I’m determined to try everything at least once.”

“Oh?” Sanji turned off the burned and used an oven mitt to take the lid off the pot. “That’s very admirable.”

That also brought a lot of questions into his mind. Just how dumb was Tafiv playing? Human or not, nothing was supposed to be that loaded with salt. Even Luffy wouldn’t eat something like that…probably. He couldn’t be sure. Luffy ate everything, so he was an outlier who shouldn’t be counted.

Taking a bowl from Tafiv, Sanji heaped a few scoops of rice from the back burner into it and ladled the curry inside next. He repeated the process for two more bowls, the smell of warm spices easily over taking the kitchen in those few minutes. He handed a bowl to Chef Laurence who was nice enough to pour Sanji’s beer into a glass. Sanji moved away from the stove, leaving his bowl on the counter while he watched the two try his food.

This was always the best part.

Laurence put a spoonful of curry with a bit of rice into his mouth, and his eyes lit up. His face discolored into what Sanji assumed as a blush as the turtle man closed his eyes in bliss. It was hard to tell if he was smiling with the beak mouth. He hurriedly took a few more bites before noticing Sanji staring at him and slowing down. Sanji raised his glass in a mock toast, the grin on his face vibrant as he took a sip. He turned his gaze to Tafiv and choked on his mouthful.

Tafiv, still holding his spoon in his mouth, had tears flowing down his face.

Sanji coughed a few times catching his breath before asking, “Are you all right? Was it too spicy? Do you not like the seasoning?”

“Huh?” Tafiv snapped out of the trance he was in. Fishing his spoon out of his mouth, he swallowed before speaking. “No, no, sorry, it’s none of that.”

Sanji grabbed his own bowl and sniffed. It smelled fine.

Tafiv wiped the tears from his face with his sleeve. “I got overwhelmed there. It’s good, more than good.” He grinned at Sanji his whole presence lighting up. “It’s amazing. I’ve never had anything like it.”

“Ah, what can I say? Normally, I have a whole set of sides to go with it, but I didn’t want to show off.” Sanji rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks growing warm.

Truly he was the greatest chef this side of the grand line.

“You got a job, girl?” Laurence’s voice was gruff.

Sanji noted with smugness that the man’s bowl was half empty. “Yes, I do.”

“Course ya do. Where do you work?”

“I’m a- a uh personal chef, like you. Only I work on a ship.”

Laurence pointed his spoon at Sanji. “You ever feel like your talents are being wasted and want a better gig, you contact me? Got it?”

“Well, isn’t someone nice all of a sudden,” said Tafiv.

“Quiet you. Remember I make your food.”

Sanji dug in to his bowl to keep from laughing at the look on Tafiv’s face.

The rest of dinner passed without much conversation. Sanji did notice how Tafiv held himself as he ate. The man was eager, but not messy or crude like his crewmates. God, Sanji must be really slipping if men doing things as basic as showing simple table manners was catching his attention. Laurence made Sanji promise to write a few recipes down before he left. Despite how things went while Nami, Robin, and the rest conducted their end of the plan, he planned to keep that promise.

He offered to help with clean up too since he made the mess, but Laurence shoo’d him off saying Sanji had better things to do. What better things he had to do Sanji didn’t know of, but Tafiv jumped at the opportunity to avoid clean up in favor of showing Sanji more of the castle. He was bouncing on his heels as he took Sanji’s hand and led him out of the kitchen. When was the last time Tafiv had a house guest? Sanji hoped the only willing visitors he had were the fake brides. Tafiv seemed nice enough to have genuine friends who’d want to visit him on a regular basis.

He let Tafiv do most of the talking while they explored the castle. The truth was Sanji couldn’t find much to say. He was in awe. There were so many things in the castle older than he was, older than Tafiv even considering how much had come from the man’s parents, grandparents, and great grandparents to decorate the home.

“How do you manage to preserve everything in here?” Sanji stared at one of the taller landscape paintings.

“Aliana painted professionally before the incident all those years ago. She restores the paintings herself when she sees the paint start to fade. I’m not sure how she does it for all of them. I’m sure there are some that are too far gone for her to fix.”

“Maybe she just paints what she wants over them.”

Tafiv let a small laugh slip from his lips. “Yes, she could, couldn’t she?”

Sanji hummed, letting his eye wander to the fabric which bordered the edge of the wooden framing. The edges of the thick fabric were frayed with age, and the vibrant red it used to be faded to something more muted. He’d touch it if he weren’t afraid the oil from his fingers would cause damage.

“What made you want to be a chef on a ship?”

Sanji leaned away from the fabric bordering. “What do you mean?”

“Well, considering your skills in the kitchen, I’d think you’d be somewhere working in a kitchen larger than mine, and I don’t think ships can make their kitchens function like the ones that are made on land.”

“You’re right about that.”

He should draw up some plans with Franky to remodel the kitchen when he got back. After seeing Tafiv’s, Sanji had some ideas he was sure the cyborg would want to try.

“So?” Tafiv gestured his hand for Sanji to follow.

“So, what?”

“What made you decide to work on a ship?”

“Hmmm,” Sanji looked away to scratch behind his ear, “My reason is a little selfish.”

“Yes? What is it?”

“Have you ever heard of All Blue?”

Tafiv looked at him in question before nodding slowly.

“Finding that ocean is every chef’s dream. My dream too. I want to find it. I plan to open my own restaurant there too. Considering how it’s so difficult to find, I don’t think I’d get much business but... A place where all the world’s oceans and fish meet would have to have some extraordinary people there.”

A crash came from behind the two. Sanji looked back in time to catch the edge of a wing and rope like strings of slime slipping around the corner at the end of the hallway. What was that about? Tafiv hm’ed in annoyance and cleared his throat.

“Sanji.”

“Yeah?”

Tafiv reached out with his hand pausing halfway like he was going to change his mind. Sanji eyed his hand and his face waiting.

Shaking his head, Tafiv made up his mind and took one of Sanji’s hands into his own. “May I show you something?”

“Sure.” Sanji glared at his feet as he felt a blush creeping up his neck.

As Tafiv led him to this mystery thing, Sanji couldn’t help but wonder if he was this easy? Was he really _this_ easy? A guy dresses nice, doesn’t eat like a slob, and seems genuinely interested in talking to him and showing him things and, suddenly, Sanji’s thinking about things. Romantic things. Now that he thought about it, Tafiv was the type of guy who would appear in Sanji’s drunk dreams. Sweet, kind, someone who appreciated pampering, interesting to talk to, and man Sanji was predictable. Then there was the fact that the men in his dreams never started on the beach like the women did, if he didn’t count the more recent nightmare. That one didn’t count. Instead Sanji’s drunk dreams started in the beach house with him at the stove with a pair of nice arms at his waist. Or, things led to really hot sex in the sun room.

Tafiv was kind of tall for the first thing to work. He’d have to bend really low to kiss Sanji. Wait, he shouldn’t even be thinking about that kind of thing no less imagining it! Sanji had a job to do.

The fact that he was entertaining the idea of anything romantic with Tafiv showed that he’d been away from single women for too long. Come to think of it, when was the last time he got laid? Must’ve been two islands ago not counting the one they made port on when Sanji had to go clothes shopping.

Oh?

Ooohhh.

That’s why Sanji’s been feeling so weird. That also explains this odd thing going on with Tafiv and the weird dream with moss head. He hasn’t had sex with anyone in a while, so his mind must be projecting onto anyone his subconscious registered as available. It all made sense now. Too bad he can’t have sex until he’s back to normal. It was too much of a risk, and he wouldn’t even know where to start. Sure, for other women he was filled with ideas, but for himself, well, he’d been avoiding taking a shower. The closest he got was having jumped into the ocean fully-clothed last night like the other idiots on the ship, and no one’s said anything yet. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could put that particular thing off, but it looked like he would have to fight off this rut until his body was back to the way it was.

They went from hall to hall and down a narrow spiraling staircase. The amount of decorations Sanji saw became less extravagant and diminished in number the further they went. The temperature also began to drop as they reached the bottom of the staircase to go down another hallway. Instead of the glaring yellow or white lights that took over upstairs, this hallway was strapped with low blue lights giving the area an eerie appearance.

Tafiv stopped when the hallway ended at a set of dark blue double doors.

“Okay. Cover your eyes, and don’t look until I say.”

Sanji gave the doors a wary look. “This isn’t going to be some weird sex dungeon, is it?”

“Wh-WHAT. No! No no no nothing like that. Wait, is that the kind of atmosphere this area is giving off? Please, tell me that was a joke.”

Tafiv’s face had darkened as he waved his hands back and forth. His embarrassment for the idea gave Sanji enough reassurance to cover his eyes which shut off any more of Tafiv’s rambling. A warm hand pressed against Sanji’s back and another laid over his own hands to make sure he wouldn’t peek as he was guided inside the mystery room. The doors didn’t make a sound when they opened, but he heard the small snick of the knob when they closed. The heels of his shoes didn’t click while he walked so he knew the floor was carpeted. The faint scent of sea water filled his nostrils as Tafiv removed the hand covering Sanji’s own.

“Okay, you can look now.”

Tafiv’s voice was close enough to Sanji’s ear that a he felt a puff of air against it. Keeping his eyes closed, Sanji slowly let his hands drop to his sides.

Turning his head to where he heard Tafiv’s voice, he asked, “Are you sure this isn’t a sex dungeon?”

“Positive.”

Sanji nodded and opened his eyes.

He then did a double take.

In front of him was the largest aquarium he’d ever seen. The tanks spanned longer than he could see on either side with cuts in between narrow enough for a person to walk through them. The thick glass or acrylic walls touched the high ceiling revealing blue waters illuminated from the bottom of the tank with the low blue lights from outside. Inside were aquatic plant life that looked unfamiliar, and what might’ve been hundreds upon hundreds of fish he couldn’t recognize.

“What is this?” Sanji took a few steps forward, his hand help up to touch the nearest tank. “This is beautiful.”

“I suppose you could say this is my All Blue.”

Sanji’s eyes stayed on the tank as he watched a group of long, narrow blue fish with a skinny noses swim by.

Tafiv moved to stand by him. “About a hundred years after the witch incident, I noticed that one of my favorite kind of fish became impossible to find. Dyenti told me it might’ve gone extinct. Survival of the fittest and all, so I found something else to use my time for. Some of these fish are just the way they were hundreds of years ago, while others in later generations evolved to thrive in this environment. Since Dyenti and Aliana love deep sea diving, they collaborate with me to document different species. Find ones whose numbers have gotten dangerously low, figure out why, and if they need to be preserved or moved to this environment.

There are a wide variety of tanks freshwater and saltwater alike, and at least one for each level of the sea since some require extreme conditions to survive. The tanks in the back are for the deep-sea fish who live under high pressure in the dark. I haven’t been able to share this with many people, scientists mostly, but I wanted to show you. You can look around as much as you like while you’re here.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

Sanji’s eyes lit up before he took off to follow that group of long nosed fish from before. His eyes caught a fish wide enough for him to hug swimming above them, it’s grey scales and wide, colorless eye pressed against the side of the tank as it swam. A round, fat fish swam above that being chased by one similar in shape but with rainbow scales instead of the pale blue scales the first fish bore. Sanji jumped back when a large, yellow lobster like creature scurried behind the tank wall in front of his feet. One claw was rounded while the other was pointed and looked as though once it clamped down on something it wouldn’t let go.

He saw fish that were in schools, droves of them in sets of four or five, and some wandering their own paths alone. There were fish with fins that were translucent with color, or so thin that Sanji could see through the flesh and the veins. Tentacled life with eyes more bulbous than Sanji thought their heads could hold up, or so narrow he wondered how bad their eyesight was.

The further he walked, the more variety of fish he spotted, and Tafiv was close behind.

“What’s this one?”

“Ah, that one’s the Coccosetius.”

“And, oh god what the hell is that one.”

“A Herlicorpien. Ugly isn’t she?” Tafiv followed her descent as the shark swam down in an arc.

There were some names that Tafiv wasn’t sure if he was pronouncing right, so he simply spelled them out.

“Palenosicum? Paleoniscum? Fuck it, I can’t say it either,” Sanji traced the path along the tank wall of the frilly, purple fish took.

Tafiv chuckled, continuing to follow Sanji at a bit of a distance. Sanji’s eyes adjusted to the growing darkness as they walked further and further through the aquarium. He stopped before they reached the edge of the room that remained pitch black.

“Are there more tanks back there?”

“Yes, but there are more fish you missed where it’s brighter. I can’t bring a light in there for you, since it’ll only startle the fish away.”

Sanji nodded, following Tafiv back to the brighter tanks. A manta ray as big as the Mini-Merry hovered above its tank floor tossing up sand and a few small shells in the process. Well, it might’ve been a manta ray. The creature and manta rays were similar in shape, but there were several lines of gills over the line of it’s back and seaweed like growths which hung from its tail.

“Could you wait here for a moment, I need to grab something.”

Sanji hummed, waving Tafiv off as his eyes followed a shark with five eyes on the front of its face. What was that mutation for? Is that what made them go extinct? There were about a million questions he had that would take forever to answer. How did this or that fish taste? Which were poisonous? How could one tell if it were poisonous or not? Why did some fish evolve in one way and not the other? What aspect of their biology failed them, and which one kept their DNA structure intact for so long? Which could be considered invasive species if they were reintroduced to their homes?

He smiled as a green guppy like fish with a wide tail fin swam in front of his nose inside the tank. Would he find fish like this in All Blue? They must be worth a lot considering most of these fish couldn’t be found in the open seas. The smile dropped from Sanji’s face.

Luffy would probably try to eat as many of these fish as possible raw if given the opportunity. Maybe he could convince Nami to leave the fish here. She was kind, and she loved life. Then again when those Beri signs flashed in her eyes, she became more determined to get what she wanted. What if she convinced Sanji that they’d be preserved to whoever she sold them to?  No, Nami wouldn’t do something like that. She was an angel who sometimes had a beautiful but terrifying mean streak. That’s why he couldn’t tell her no.

That’s why he was in this tight, suddenly hard to breath in wedding dress. Sanji rubbed a hand over his face. The room was cool enough to bring goosebumps to his bare shoulders, but for some reason sweat had started on his forehead and the back of his neck. He wiped his damp hands on the hips of the dress and looked back at the tank. He could make out his faint reflection. His throat felt thick with something.

He needed to sit down.

Tafiv returned holding something behind his back. “Sanji, I-. Are you all right? You look ill.”

“Yeah. Sorry, this is just, it’s overwhelmingly amazing. I’m really moved by what you’re doing is all.” Sanji fixed what he could of his hair. “What did you need to get?”

“Well, uh,” Tafiv shuffled his feet, “Although you didn’t want to marry that man, I still feel terrible for the misunderstanding we caused. I’m sure your family must be terrified for you, and you’ll have a lot to explain when you’ve returned. So, I wanted to give you an item you may find as priceless as the time you lost today.”

The last thing Sanji needed was a priceless item for lying.

Tafiv pulled out a thick book with a wood and fabric bound cover. There were miniscule dark green decals that edged along the spine and framed the front and back covers. He took Sanji’s hands and placed the book gently in them for Sanji to flip through.

“The original print is in my room being updated every so often, but this is the second and most recent copy of my findings. All the fish in here and their evolutionary journeys have been documented in there to the best of my ability. It’s not the most scientific text I’ll admit since I try to make it readable for beginners who are interested in the topic, but-.”

“I can’t take this.”

“Why not?”

Because Sanji was a liar. He was a giant liar manipulating this kind man’s intentions so that his friends could rob him blind. Sanji shoved the book back into Tafiv’s hands.

“I really don’t deserve it. It’s just a day. A few hours of my time at the most, really. Please give this to someone else.”

“Of course you deserve it. You’re a chef who loves the sea. This would be useful when you discover All Blue.”

Sanji turned back towards the tank and resisted the urge to put his face into his hands. “There’s no telling I’ll even find it.”

“You seem like the type that doesn’t let doubt stop you.”

“You’re really going to push this on me, aren’t you?”

Tafiv shook his head. “I just want to understand why. I see you looking at all these creatures, full of questions, and with such love in your eyes for them. Wouldn’t you want something like this?”

“More than you know.”

Sanji rubbed the goosebumps on his arms away. Could he really do this? He wasn’t a con artist like Nami or Robin. Hell, Usopp did a better job at this kind of thing.

“If it makes you feel better taking it, this is by no means a complete version. Once I have a style I find preferable I plan on making more with a printing press so they’re available to the public.”

That wasn’t the problem! If anything, that made this copy more expensive, and Sanji lying to him even worse. Why did Tafiv have to be so nice? Why did he have to be so impossibly perfect? Sanji put his face into his hands and shook his head. He couldn’t blow his cover.

“Sanji, could you please look at me?”

He couldn’t mess this up.

Sanji lowered his hands only for Tafiv to take them again and rest them onto the book cover.

He couldn’t.

“I’ve met a lot of different people in my life so far, and I can assure you that there’s no one else I’d want to have this copy but you.”

The words came from Sanji’s lips before he could stop them. “I can’t take this because I’ve been lying to you.”

Damn it.

It was as if a bubble popped, and Tafiv’s look turned to confusion with his brow furrowed and his lips slightly open. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not really a bride.”

Nami was going to strangle him.

“You didn’t ruin my wedding. My family wasn’t even there, those were my friends.”

Nami was going to murder him.

“I’m a pirate.”

Sanji was going to be strung up and hung for fish bait.

“We’re all pirates, and my friend planned this fake wedding so you’d kidnap me, and they could sneak into your home and rob your blind, but I have no idea if they’re actually here or not doing that right now.” Sanji tugged his hands out from under Tafiv’s and took a few steps back. “I’m not even a woman.”

“I see.”

Sanji clasped his hands together, rubbing the inside of his left palm with his thumb. The skin was damp and warm under the pads of his fingers. Too soft for his liking. Too soft. Too delicate. Damn it. Damn it all. He might as well go throw himself into the ocean to drown right now. He glanced up to see Tafiv’s face was shadowed. Oh shit. He just pissed off an ancient immortal who could probably kill him without blinking while trapped in a castle with a harpy and a slime monster.

Sanji was boned.

“Was everything else a lie too? About you being a chef? About All Blue being your dream?”

“No,” Sanji tapped the back of his heel against the floor to see how sturdy it was, “All of that was the truth. Everything else I’ve said tonight was true.”

Tafiv sighed, “What a relief.”

“Wait what?”

Why was that a relief? Sanji relaxed, his shoulders slumping. He adjusted the top of the dress again wondering what was the point of wearing something without straps if it wasn’t going to hold itself up.

“Sanji, I’ve been living here for a couple thousand years. Do you think you and your friends are the first people to try and pull the rug out under me like this?”

“Uh.”

Yes, he did, but he wasn’t about to say it.

Tafiv pushed the book into Sanji’s hands and hid his hands behind his back so Sanji couldn’t give it back “I meant what I said, despite your lie.”

Sanji clung to the book looking at Tafiv with wide eyes, his face growing warm for what might’ve been the hundredth time that night. How was this man real?

“Keep the book. I insist, but if I found out you’ve sold it, I’ll send Dyenti after you. She always finds her man, and she has a nasty temper.”

Rubbing his fingers along the spine of the book, Sanji smiled. “I’ll be sure not to sell it. Thank you.”

Tafiv didn’t say anything in response, returning the smile, and turning towards the tank to watch the fish swim by. Sanji did the same. Wait, did Tafiv say they weren’t the first people to try this plan? What did that mean for his friends? Should he ask? Sanji glanced at Tafiv from the corner of his eye. What kind of traps were in this castle? Would the ladies be all right?

Hold on. If Tafiv didn’t say anything else about it, then Sanji was sure nothing terrible would happen to his crew. Yes, maybe it was better he didn’t think about it. After all, Tafiv was still being nice so he must not have anything to worry about. They would be fine. Soon the temptation to open the book and attempt to find the names of each fish on his own overshadowed his previous concerns. There were so many fish he could die happy. Sometimes he managed to find a name of one before they swam out of sight, muttering the name to himself and reading some of the description in Tafiv’s handwriting. Other times Sanji wasn’t quick enough to catch the right page before the fish had vanished.

A bored voice came from nearby saying, “Hey.”

Sanji looked up from the book and was met with the sight of Dyenti in more casual clothing than before. It looked like sleepwear.

“Yes, Dyenti?” Tafiv flattened the collar of his shirt.

“Bath’s ready if she wants to use it. Hot water shuts off in about an hour for the night.”

A bath? Sanji’s shoulders started to hunch as he dwelled on the thought. He wasn’t sure if he could look at himself naked long enough for a shower no less a bath.

“Is it that late already?” Tafiv looked down at his bare wrist and then around for a clock.

“You wouldn’t know considering you’ve been turning on all the damn lights in the house to show your date around.”

Date? Date? This wasn’t a date. Sanji’s face was beet red now while he avoided her gaze.

“Sanji’s not my date. Ah, have I been turning on all the lights?”

Dyenti rolled her eyes and held her wing out. “Come on Sanji, let’s get you back before he tries to kiss you.”

KISS. WHAT DID SHE MEAN KISS? THERE WAS NO KISSING.

“Actually, Dyenti, please let Aliana take Sanji back. I need to talk to you about somethings.”

“Hnnn, fine, but this better be important.”

The trio left the aquarium, Sanji giving one last longing look to the fish before the doors closed behind them. The trip back upstairs into one of the largely decorated halls was short. Aliana, the slime woman from the chapel, was holding a giant toy rabbit while leaning against one of the pillars holding up a vase.

Dyenti gave Sanji a little push towards her, “Aliana, take Sanji back would you?”

Aliana saluted prying herself off the pillar.

Sanji looked from Dyenti to Tafiv who gave him a thumbs up in encouragement. This was fine. He was fine. Turning on his heel, Sanji went over to Aliana and followed her lead. He was happy Tafiv took this well. Nami on the other hand would be a different story.

Taking a deep breath through his nostrils and exhaling through his mouth, Sanji mentally prepared himself for the bath. He’d cross the dreaded Nami bridge when he came to it.


	8. I've got this. I've got this. I so don't have this!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *doesn't pull a samurai Jack with writing*

Nami ran outside as fast as her legs could carry her. The harpy that took Sanji grew further and further away until she was a dot marred by the shadow of the count’s castle. The slime woman had vanished, sliding her body into the grates in the floor when the opportunity presented itself.  Luffy tried eating some of her before she escaped to no avail. The strawhat pirates were gasping for breath. Well, most of them were.

“Nami, what’ll we do? There weren’t supposed to be other monsters,” Usopp said.

She spotted Mr. Yoyumura crawling along the outside of the church wall and threw a part of her staff. It landed in the wall a few centimeters in front of his nose which made him stop and look over at her. He was trembling. Dropping her coat to the ground, Nami walked over to him and pointed her staff at his nose.

“Mr. Yoyumura, I have some questions I’d like to ask you,” she said with a smile.

Yoyumura held his hands up in surrender as he began to sweat through his jacket.

“Yeah. Lots of questions.” Luffy appeared beside Nami and crouched down to Yoyumura’s level. “Do ghosts poop?”

Nami hit him with her staff sending Luffy’s head through the wall. “Don’t answer that.”

Yoyumura nodded with tears flowing down his cheeks.

The group with Yoyumura in tow went back inside the church. Franky rebuilt a few of the broken pews into nicer chairs for everyone to sit in. Zoro stood near the exit so Yoyumura wouldn’t run until after the questioning was over. Clasping her hands together, Nami crossed one leg over the other and sighed. First there was the count who was an unknown factor of power, then there was a flying harpy woman, and a slime woman who could change her size and leave without anyone subduing her. Nami needed to know what other horrors lived in that castle before her crew snuck inside. She also needed to know if Sanji was okay. The way he hung over like a rag doll when he was grabbed worried her. If those monsters were low enough to use drugs, who knew what other horrible things they were doing. She shouldn’t have sent him in alone, but it was too late now. He could handle himself.

“Yoyumura, I want you to know that if you lie I’ll be able to tell, and there will be a terrible punishment given for liars. Right, Robin?” Nami placed her folded her hands to them on her knee.

Robin nodded, her aura becoming slightly menacing, “Yes. In fact, there’s this new torture I’ve been reading about called bamboo torture.”

“Bamboo torture? That doesn’t sound scary.” Chopper looked up at Robin back to his usual size.

“I suppose not, but strapping someone to lay over a bamboo plant and it sprouting through their chest over the span of three days sounds terrible to me.”

Chopper yelped running to hop into Brook’s arms.

Yoyumura cleared his throat, his whole body shaking with fear. “Now ladies, I’m sure it won’t have to come to that. I’ll be h-happy to answer a-anything to the best of my ability.”

“Good. First thing’s first, what other monsters live in the castle?” Nami asked.

“It’s common knowledge here that Count Argula has a horde of monsters at his disposal. Harpies, werewolves, ghosts, zombies, slime creatures. There are so many stories of the horrors people have seen when they managed to escape his castle, that we’re unsure as to how many live there.”

She glanced at Luffy who was picking his nose and showing his findings to Usopp. Numbers didn’t matter much when it came to this crew. It was strength. Nami could take down a weak, cowardly werewolf when it’s back was turned no problem.

“What does the count do to the brides when he captures them?”

“You see it’s a,” Yoyumura faltered, “It’s a process. I’m not sure how much detail you want.”

“All of them.”

Yoyumura tugged at his collar as his eyes darted to and from different spots on the floor.

“Come on. Out with it, or we’ll leave you in the closet with skeleton Bradley over there.”

Brook clattered his jaw at Yoyumura when they made eye contact. Well, it would’ve been eye contact if Brook had any eyes. Yoyumura looked back at the door receiving a terrifying grin from Zoro. Nami felt pride at how effective her crew could be when they put the work into it, but she didn’t show it.

Clearing his throat, Yoyumura said, “After the Count has taken the bride back to his castle he apologizes to her. Luring her into a false sense of security with his supposed genuine nature, he treats the bride to a delicious feast and pleasant conversation. When that’s over he gives her a tour of his castle, using his built wealth as an extension to show off his knowledge.”

“This doesn’t sound terrible,” Franky muttered to Usopp.

Usopp nodded, pushing away Luffy’s hand when it tried to pick his nose.

“When the tour is over, he shows her sights she’s never seen before and gives her a gift of untold value. At this point in the night, the bride has fallen for his natural charm and his charm magic, “Yoyumura paused to rub his throat as his cheeks tinted red, “When all the things the bride was supposed to get during the reception have been fulfilled, the feast, the fun, the gifts, the Count and the enamored bride waste little time. By the stroke of midnight, the two will have consummated their union.”

There was a chorused “WHAT.” From Usopp, Franky, Brook, and Chopper. A small “oh my” came from Robin. Zoro was looking at Yoyumura with wide eyes, and Luffy tilted his head.

Nami rolled her eyes. “I don’t know why you guys are freaking out. Sanji’s only interested in women.”

“Oh, that doesn’t matter,” Yoyumura said.

“Excuse me?”

“The Count has 2000 years of experience talking with all types of people. Some of the older men in this town who’ve been with their wives for decades have spoken about past personal experiences with the Count. Why do you think the marines haven’t come to take his property yet? The Count has even sent several admirals back on their happy way. Some looking a certain kind of pleased.”

Nami felt the blood drain from her face. She definitely shouldn’t have sent Sanji in alone. If the Count was as skilled as they say, Sanji was the easiest person on their ship to manipulate with promises of romantic crap. She and Zoro shard a grim look. He must’ve come to the same conclusion.

“Mr. Yoyumura, what happens after the consummation?” Nami schooled her features. She couldn’t lose composure now.

“After that, the bride feels no desire to leave. She happily abandons, her dreams, her friends, her family, all of it just to stay with him until death do them part. The charm magic digs deepest, uh, during, and families give up trying to bring the bride back. Some spend months, others spend years before giving up.”

“Thank you for your time, Mr.Yoyumura. You can leave now.”

Yoyumura got up on shaky feet, and turning on his heel, bolted out of the church. Zoro stepped aside before he was run over in Yoyumura’s dash out.

Luffy turned to look at Robin. “I don’t get it. What’s consummate mean?”

“It means the Count and Sanji will have sex.”

“Okay, but how will that make Sanji not want to leave?”

“From Mr.Yoyumura’s description it sounds like after penetration, Sanji’s brain will be rewired permanently so that he’ll never want to come back to Thousand Sunny ever again.” Robin tapped her chin with her finger.

“WHAT? WE HAVE TO STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING.”

Usopp gestured to the side with his hand as he said, “And the last horse crosses the finish line.”

“Franky, what time is it?” Nami stood from her seat.

“It’s 2 in the afternoon.”

“That means we have ten hours, nine hours to be safe, to get ready, infiltrate the castle, steal as much treasure as we can, grab Sanji before he’s brainwashed, and get out. I’m going to need some time to think of a plan since we’re going to be outnumbered.”

“What shall we do in the meantime?” Robin asked.

“Hmmm…Franky, Usopp, and Zoro. I need you three to take the sub back to Sunny. Franky make some weapons we can use to take down as many people as possible. Usopp, work on some inventions for stealth. We need to be able to cling to walls or grapple onto a different floor without being noticed. If you can think of some preemptive measures for traps, that would be great too. Zoro, you help them lift the heavy stuff they have to work with.”

“How much time do we have to work?” Usopp twiddled his fingers.

“It’s a thirty minute trip from here to Sunny, and another thirty back so you can’t take longer than three or four hours. When you’re done we’ll have to assume the Count and Sanji have finished dinner. Brook and Robin, you two are with me. We need to find anything like a library, an archive, a bookstore with any information on the castle and it’s layout. We need to map out where to go whether or not there are traps in the way. The cleaner our path the better the plan will go.”

Chopper tugged on the hem of Nami’s dress making her look down at him. “What should Luffy and I do?”

“You two talk to the locals. Specifically, the old people. Make friends with them. They’ll know more about the Count than anyone our age.”

“Right.”

“That sounds boring. I wanna ride in the shark sub,” said Luffy.

“You can ride in the shark sub after we save Sanji.” Nami crossed her arms over her chest. “Unless you don’t want Sanji to ever come back?”

Pouting, Luffy crossed his arms too. Chopper shook his head as he ushered Luffy out of the church. Everyone else split off into their groups, with Franky having to grab Zoro to make sure he was going the right way. Nami sent Usopp off with her accessories telling him to leave them in front of the girl’s room door. It was too hot on this island to wear a coat for long, and she didn’t want anyone trying to rob her. Not because they could, but because she didn’t feel like fighting some small-time crooks.

After getting past the church, Nami realized just how large the town was. The buildings were short, the tallest ones standing at three levels, but they all took advantage of the land by spreading out as wide as they could with their flat rooftops and engraved doors. The windows on them that were rectangular were stained glass pieces while the plain glass windows were in abstract shapes to keep interest.

“This wasn’t how the plan was supposed to go at all,” Nami sighed.

Robin nodded. “No, but this does give us the opportunity to ask for Carrin while we rearrange our plans.”

“Ah! I completely forgot about Carrin. I should’ve told Chopper to ask about her too.”

“Perhaps he’ll remember on his own.”

“Who knows.”

“Excuse me ladies, I’ve found a book store,” Brook called.

Lo and behold there was a dingy little shop with a crooked sign that read “Jyushi’s Books” which hung above the door. The building looked out of place with its pointy tile roof and peeling gray paint job. The trio went inside with Brook ducking his head so he could fit through the doorway. The interior was worse than the outside due to all the clutter. There were bookshelves stuffed with books, scrolls, papers, and half folded maps all threatening to fall out. Their landing would be cushioned by the stacks and stacks upon books in front of the book shelves, on the counters, the floor, the round tables, even the spiral staircase in the middle of the shop wasn’t safe from columns of books side by side down the row.

A voice came from behind Nami, “Welcome.”

She jumped and turned to see a small, old woman. Her hair laid in two braided ponytails which rested on each of her shoulders. What was odd was her outfit. She was wearing a dress that looked recently bought with its bright green color complimenting the olive tone of her skin. Wrinkles weighed around her mouth and under her eyes as she smiled at them. Taking her metal tipped cane, the old woman shuffled between the three, maneuvering her way around stack after stack until she was behind the counter with a brass colored register sitting on it.

“Let me know if you need help finding anything,” the old woman said.

Nami looked from the old lady back to the mess that was the bookstore. She was joking, right? There was no way any normal person would be able to make heads or tails of this mess. Robin must’ve sensed Nami’s distress as she went up to the register.

“I would presume that you’re Miss Jyushi?” Robin took one of the books from their stacks.

“Yes, I’m her,” Jyushi said.

“Wonderful. My friends and I were wondering if you had any documentation of Count Argula’s castle and its layout? Perhaps a floor plan? We would pay for them in full.”

Jyushi disappeared behind the counter. Nami figured she must’ve been standing on a stool, before the old woman appeared again setting a display box next to the register. In scrawled marker was the word FREE on the bottom border. The box was filled with clear folders holding papers with each one bearing the label “Argula Castle”. Nami grabbed one holding it close to her face. This was it? It was that easy? She opened the folder, flipping through the pages to see the room layout down to the detail of door and staircase placement. Each page was labeled with its floor number, and man did this place look expensive.

“Everyone who visits has a few people wanting to go into the castle, but they never leave with what they want. It’s easier giving this information away than having strangers pay to get their hopes up.” Jyushi tapped her fingers along the counter’s edge.

Nami didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean?”

“Why do you want to go up to the castle, young lady?”

“Our friend was kidnapped by the count.”

Jyushi hummed and shook her head. “The next time you see her it’ll be to say goodbye. Depending on the bride, the Count’s methods are either slow or rushed.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, if she’s your friend, and you look a little risqué deary, I’m sure the Count will be in a hurry to keep her there.” Jyushi wiggled her eyebrows and said, “Things may already be in motion.”

Nami closed the folder as she felt her entire being turn cold for the second time that morning. This old woman wasn’t saying what she thought was she? She turned her gaze to Robin who now had a hand over her mouth and her brows were furrowed. If Robin was nervous that really wasn’t good. No. No, it couldn’t be possible for Sanji to have succumbed so soon. He was an idiot, but he loved women. Nami never saw him with men, but then again she didn’t pay attention to him that much. She didn’t know how the enchantment the Count had worked, and she also didn’t know if Sanji’s body change did anything else. Wait a minute. Didn’t Chopper say everything about Sanji was fine and in working order?

Did that mean he could-?

“Now that we have the map, perhaps we should locate Chopper,” Brook said.

Nami clasped the folder under her arm. “Yes. Let’s. Now.”

Apparently, they’d all arrived to the same train of thought because the three of them ran out of the bookstore without so much as a goodbye. Something like that couldn’t happen to Sanji. It was already Nami’s fault for putting him into danger with magic that they weren’t sure was real or how effective it was. It didn’t help that Sanji was Sanji either. There was no way he could resist all that probably strongly enchanted romantic crap being spewed at him considering he was so used to spewing it himself. A small part of herself hoped Sanji was smart enough to know the bullshit that freaky Count was telling was fake, but Sanji’s track record with such things was terrible. Worse if the person spewing such crap had a pretty face.

They passed by a party of people leaving a wedding reception, other people who lived in the town, through the food market vendor area, through a tiny shopping district, until they were sprinting through a string of cafes.

If it weren’t for the hello thrown her way, Nami wouldn’t have noticed Chopper and Luffy sitting under an umbrella sheltered table drinking fancy beverages. Skidding to a stop, Nami ran towards Luffy, jumping into the air to kick him in the face with both of her feet. _Were they serious_? Nami rolled, landing with grace onto one knee while Luffy tumbled through two of the other round tables and fell into a heap. Standing up, she turned towards Chopper with a murderous look. Chopper darted his gaze away from her as his drink shook in his hands hard enough to spill onto the table.

“What the hell do you two think you’re doing.”

Chopper jumped out of his chair. “PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.”

“Did you really think,” Nami grabbed him by the back of his collar before he could escape and held him up to her face, “you two would get away with slacking off.”

Two beatings later, Nami sat across from Robin at one of the café tables drinking raspberry lemonade. Robin was nursing a glass of something purple with a few blackberries floating along the ice. Brook sat at the table beside them eating bites of cake between sips of tea. Luffy and Chopper were looking the worse for wear, sitting at the same table with matching bruises.

“Robin, what time is it?” Nami set her drink down.

“Four o’clock.”

Was time going by fast or slow? Franky, Usopp, and Zoro should be back in an hour or so with their supplies, but would they be too late? Would the Count have already possessed Sanji by then? She chewed on the end of her pen with her eyebrows drawn down on her face. A sugary sweet smell wafted between her and Robin each time a waiter came out or went back inside the café. She needed to focus on the plan. The folder’s contents sat spread out on the table with the waiter being kind enough to bring them a few pens without comment.

The main problem with Argula castle was how intricate and detailed the building stood. None of the floor plans revealed where there could be traps. Then there was the issue of how much they could steal versus how much time they’d have to steal things. Anything could be up for grabs from old paintings and statues to rugs and furniture. She didn’t think the Count would have a treasure room sitting in the castle, and if he did the location wouldn’t be on these blueprints. Entering the castle would be easy. There were tons of windows, doors leading to the outside, and a huge garden in the back of the castle they could use to sneak in. The issue was getting out with the treasure and Sanji.

There was the Count who none of her crew had seen, the harpy woman, the slime woman, and a whole hoard of monsters inside those castle walls. Certain members of the crew were about as stealthy as a cat in a room full of cups. Other members would get lost faster than she could count backwards from ten. If they stayed in a group and explored the castle, the chance of getting caught increased due to their number, but they also could escape more easily. If they split up, they could cover more ground, finding treasure and Sanji sooner, but that plan ran the risk of being picked off until there was no one left. They didn’t need an exit strategy. Tearing down walls and bursting through windows to get out was effective in a last-minute pinch, and there was no doubt in her mind it would come to that.

Nami pulled the pen nib out of her mouth and took a long sip of her drink. All she could plan for without everything falling apart would be to send a small team to find Sanji, and keep everyone else together to gather as much treasure as possible. The best meet up point would be a ballroom two hallways from the main entrance if no one got caught, but if one group did get caught they could all meet in the garden and make a break for it.

Leaning back in her seat, Nami said, “Chopper.”

“Yes?” Chopper looked at her while rubbing the bump on his head.

“Sanji can’t get, uh, a body occupation while he’s like this, right? I mean it’s not that I care or anything, it’s just some old lady brought it up that Sanji might be swayed sooner like it was bound to happen when we asked for the castle blue prints, so I need to know if our time constraint is tighter than I thought, but it shouldn’t be possible, right?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure.”

“Excuse me?”

“When I was giving Sanji a check-up, he refused to have a pap smear done. He said he didn’t need one since the situation is temporary, and he didn’t plan on doing anything physical until his body was back to normal. He’s not in pain, so since all of his tests came back negative for anything bad I assume it all works the same.” Chopper scratched his cheek with his hoof.

“You know what? That’s fine. Even if by some weird circumstance Sanji did end up like that, Carrin changing him back would make it go away.”

Robin stirred the ice around her drink as she said, “I’m not so sure. When something has mass, it won’t just vanish. It would have to go somewhere. The place where it grows would be gone, but who knows how that process works. Does it shrivel into nothingness suffocating whatever is growing inside of it, or does it shrink and return to its original purpose as a different organ bringing everything with it?”

“What if Carrin’s power doesn’t affect Sanji and instead affects the thing itself,” said Brook.

“That’s a good point as well. We must be careful as to make sure nothing happens to Sanji, so we won’t have to worry over such things.”

“What are you guys talking about now?” Luffy asked.

“It’s nothing. It’ll stay nothing. I hope we never have to talk about this again,” Nami said before downing the rest of her drink.

Nami couldn’t budget for a weird ghost human monster thing, and she wouldn’t have to. Why oh why did she send Sanji to do this job. She should’ve just gone herself. She was more experienced playing the role, and she wasn’t slow either. She could’ve probably robbed the place all on her own. The only reason she was here and not in that castle was because Robin’s worry about a blonde wig falling off and revealing her identity. Which made sense at the time, but Nami would’ve rather risked it now.

Luffy’s stomach gurgled making him whine. “Nami, I’m hungry.”

“Yeah yeah, we’ll get food in a minute.”

Brook held up a cookie. “Perhaps you should’ve gotten the snacks, Luffy. They really sit well on the tongue. Well, I’d know that if I had one.”

Chopper and Luffy chimed in with Brook saying, “Skull joke.”

Their laughter caught the attention of some of the patrons behind the café windows. Nami’s anxiety eased some with their antics. If they weren’t worried there was no reason for her to freak out too much.

“As soon as we’re done here we’re going to do some more info gathering. Got it?” Nami draped an arm over the back of her chair to look at the other three.

All three saluted to her with serious looks on their faces.

 

* * *

 

Usopp wasn’t the type to go through another man’s stuff unless he absolutely knew he wasn’t going to get caught doing it. Which was why when Zoro knocked on the open door as he was going through Sanji’s things, made him jump high enough to drop the belt and pair of pants he was holding. Zoro didn’t say anything, but it looked like he wasn’t going to leave until Usopp gave him an answer. Gathering the clothes back up, Usopp set them on the dresser and scratched his neck. Zoro was really good at telling his lies from his truths, so there wasn’t time to think of something believable.

“I was just grabbing Sanji a change of clothes for when we grab him,” Usopp said.

Zoro raised a sharp eyebrow. Everything about him was sharp and dangerous. Usopp took comfort in knowing they were on the same side as he started going through the drawers again. They weren’t filled with clothing, but Sanji put everything in a specific place. He’d already opened and closed and underwear drawer faster than he’d ever closed something long before Zoro had come knocking.

“Doesn't he have that dress?” Zoro asked.

Usopp breathed in through his nostrils and exhaled loudly through his mouth. How much should he reveal? How much did Zoro know? Sanji wasn’t at breakfast that morning. Sanji was, however, freaking out by one of the ship railings when Usopp caught him. Zoro was terribly observant when he wanted to be…

“He looked really uncomfortable. In the dress, I mean. Did you notice?”

Zoro nodded.

“Nami said it was a rental too, and he was complaining about wardrobe malfunctions before this whole thing, so I figured he’d want to be fighting in pants, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah. Good. Great.” Usopp found a button-down under a few t-shirts.

This was perfect. Something familiar for Sanji to put on when he got the chance. Folding the clothes to keep them from wrinkling, he put the bundle under his arm and walked towards the door. The problem was that Zoro didn’t budge from his spot.

“Uhh, we should probably go,” Usopp said with a tilt of his head.

“Why do you think he skipped breakfast?”

Zoro did notice. Of course he noticed. Robin seemed like she noticed too from how she was hovering around Sanji on their way to the church. Usopp could think of a bunch of reasons Sanji might’ve skipped out on breakfast if Sanji didn’t care about food so much, but the fact that he did made Sanji’s behavior more worrying.

“I’m not sure, but he’ll tell one of us if it get to be too much. We’re nakama.”

Zoro didn’t react to that, but he did step aside and start back towards the ladder. Usopp followed him making sure to shut Sanji’s door beforehand. Zoro must’ve been just as worried as he was which made sense. Sanji and him were weird sparring buddies, and if Sanji was off his game it affected Zoro by extension.

They met Franky down in the docking station for the submarine. It looks like he and Zoro had loaded up all the tools necessary for their infiltration. Usopp hoped Nami’s plan for getting in and out of the castle bore as little confrontation as possible. He didn’t mind fighting an enemy when they were weakened and their back was turned, but a 2000 year old ghost sounded like a battle saved for Luffy’s epic proportions.

“You get everything, bro?” The pompoms of Franky’s hat bounced.

“Yup,” Usopp gave him a thumbs-up, “Let’s get back to the others.”

“What time is it?” Zoro asked.

“About 6:45,” Franky said.

Usopp scrambled into the submarine cursing about how late they were. He hoped Nami wasn’t getting impatient.

 

* * *

 

Sanji was a lot of things, a connoisseur of cuisine, a romancer of women, a sleek fighter, but for some reason the bathtub filled with bubbles in front of him was the greatest challenge he’d faced in a while. He reached behind himself to catch the zipper of the dress. The cool plastic under his fingers made him reel his hand away each time in. In what? He needed a bath. He really needed a bath, and he couldn’t put it off any longer. He knew he smelled gross when his sweat grew thick on his skin, and the stench was worse combined with cigarette smoke. That’s what he forgot! His cigarettes. He could go for one right now if only to stall and give him more incentive to hop into the tub.

Aliana was kind enough to leave him a pair of pajamas which was more pink, more frilly, and more old fashioned than he’d seen. A long, loose, flowy dress with frills on the collar and the edges of the long sleeves sat folded on the arm of a fancy chair near the door. His pair of shoes sat under the chair a little scuffed from earlier in the day. He didn’t quite get the design choices for this room considering the bathtub was in the middle of the peach tiled floor, and there was a wide mirror above the sink which sat embedded in a marble countertop jutting from the wall opposite the door. There was a towel rack and a soap caddy hanging from the edge of the porcelain tub, far away enough to not get splashed.

He could do this. He just needed to be fast and to not look in the mirror as he changed. For the fifth time since he got into the bathroom, Sanji reached behind him to grab the zipper handle on his dress. The downward motion with his arm bent at an odd angle was weird until he was unzipped to about the middle of his back. Catching his reflection in the mirror above the sink, Sanji turned his back to it and zipped the dress down the rest of the way. The fabric fell in a heap around his feet. So far so good. Stepping out of the bundle, he picked up the dress so he could lay it on the seat cushion of chair over the book he was given. The dress didn’t look too wrinkled. All the wind from the abrupt flight here must’ve been responsible for the long creases in the skirt. Placing a hand on his hip, he felt the soft cotton there and huffed. Right, there was that too.

He pulled off the underwear that thankfully looked like shorts and nothing like the thong before folding it and placing it inside the wedding dress. No problem. He made a move to turn around but paused. The mirror was still behind him. If he turned around, he didn’t know what he would see. That wasn’t true. He knew what he would see, but he didn’t know what he would think about what he was seeing. Looking down at himself for longer than a few minutes was troubling enough, he didn’t need to get an eyeful of everything he’d been avoiding while he was here. Turning his head to keep his eyes on the tub, Sanji walked backwards until he was close enough to climb in with his back still facing the mirror. Success. The water was hot and soothing on his skin, and there were too many bubbles for him to see what was below the water’s surface. A perfect combination.

Now that Sanji could relax and think, he could become stressed and concerned. Nami was going to murder him for revealing the plan, so he needed to give her an explanation for his intentions. Or he could lie. Lying was easy. Lowering himself further into the tub, he leaned over to let his cheek rest against the cool porcelain edge. What was Tafiv going to do? This wasn’t the first time people have planted a fake bride to steal his treasures, so what plan did Tafiv have for that? What was he telling Dyenti? Sanji groaned and closed his eyes. Dyenti with her really bad temper and flawless complexion. What if she wanted to kill Sanji for his deceit. Would Nami and Dyenti fight over who got to kill him, or would they work together? No, he couldn’t think about that now.

The birdhouse shaped clock on the wall by the door let off a tune, before a wooden bird popped out, tweeted, and returned into its home.

“8 o’clock already,” He muttered.

The book Tafiv gifted him peaked out from under the rental dress. Robin would enjoy looking through it which means it’d be too valuable to sell. He needed to see Tafiv when he was done in here. Sanji was sure Nami had a great plan, but some of their crewmates were the least bit stealthy and other ones got lost faster than one could blink. He wouldn’t stand it if Nami or Robin got hurt because he failed to keep his damn mouth shut. With a renewed vigor, Sanji grabbed a bar of soap and wash cloth from the rack on the tub and ducked under the water with his eyes closed to wash his hair. The washcloth sunk down to drape over his leg as he scrubbed granules of sand and dirt from his scalp with his fingernails. Giving his head a shake under water, he came up for air making some of the bubbles fall off an edge of the tub.

 He fumbled around for the soap finding it by his knee and grabbed it before it slipped away. Taking the washcloth from his thigh and lathering it, he made quick work of cleaning himself off, washing his face and neck, skipping his chest to scrub his stomach and his arms, skipping again to wash his legs and his feet. The whole process was uncomfortable to say the least. Parts of him jiggled where they shouldn’t, and he pressed his legs together when water flowed into a weird place. Water shouldn’t go in there, and there shouldn’t be a place for the water to go into. At this point the bubbles in the tub either sloshed free onto the floor or dissolved due to time. Strategically, Sanji moved the mass of bubbles that was left so that he could only see his legs from the water’s surface.

Ten more minutes. He was sure that’s about as much longer he could get away with this. Sanji hadn’t been in the tub too long, but the heat from the water made his fingers prune. What if Nami didn’t take this development as terribly as his imagination thought she would? It might be easier on her knowing that Tafiv didn’t plan on hurting or killing anyone. What if she was thankful for Sanji’s safety and honesty that allowed them to avoid confrontation. Luffy would be annoyed at not being able to fight, but his captain could start a brawl with strong rivals whenever he wanted, so that didn’t matter. He snorted. Now that was some optimistic thinking. Pushing his wet bangs out of his face, Sanji blinked at the shrinking mass of bubbles. It was time for him to get out anyway. He didn’t know when his crew would be breaking in, but it’d be better if he was dressed when it happened. Sanji braced his hands on the edges of the tub and pulled himself out keeping his eyes closed as he stood. His chest sagged, and his fingers trembled from the unfamiliarity of it.

Once out of the tub, he grabbed the biggest towel from the rack and wrapped it tight around his body so nothing moved. Sanji placed one of the hand towels over his neck before reaching down to take the stopper out of the sink. A knock from the door startled him making him fall halfway into the tub getting the top of his towel drenched.

Tafiv’s voice came from the other side of the door saying, “Sanji, are you done in there?”

“Give me a second.”

Getting back onto his feet, Sanji wasted no time drying himself off and hurried to throw the frilly pajama dress thing over his head. His wet hair dampened the collar, and his bangs stuck to his face as he gathered his things. Wedding dress sitting folded on top of the book was held against his chest with one arm, and his shoes hung from his fingers by the straps in his other hand. Sanji peeked out the door to see Tafiv with a hand over his eyes, and why was he doing that?

“You can look?” Sanji tilted his head.

Peeking through his fingers, Tafiv let out a sigh of relief. “Sorry, it’s reflex.”

Sanji didn’t ask from what because he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“We can talk on the way to your sleeping arrangements until your friends arrive.”

He nodded and followed Tafiv down the hallway. The long rugs stretching over the hardwood floors were softer under his toes than he thought they’d be. The hallway looked darker than before he took a bath. He turned his gaze to the ceiling to see more of the lights snuffed than lit. He walked close enough to Tafiv that a whiff of spices from the curry would waft pass his nostrils.

“Did you eat more curry?”

Tafiv’s cheeks darkened as he rubbed his cheek and said, “I may have helped Laurence with storing the excess.”

Sanji couldn’t keep the smile from coming onto his face if he tried. The two turned down a corner to another long hallway. Sanji recognized some of the sculptures, letting his eyes wander to the figure of a woman balancing a wide basket on her head. It was grey stone, but the stone fabric looked soft as it wrapped around her figure. How did artists do that so well?

“I spoke to Dyenti about what you told me, and she was mad.”

The smile fell off Sanji’s face, and the giddy feeling he had was replaced with panic. Was he going to die?

“But she understood, and she sees good in you too.”

Oh, thank god. He was off the hook.

“One of us will come get you when your friends arrive to prevent any confrontation, and then you can all be on your way.”

“So, you’re not going to hurt anyone?”

Tafiv shook his head. “No. Today was exhausting enough.”

“Oh?” Sanji adjusted his grip on his shoes. Was Tafiv working on maintenance for the tanks before Sanji came? What did Tafiv do besides save and study fish? Did he have other hobbies? Did he travel? The two had turned another corner, and Sanji recognized the hallway. It was the hallway they went down on their way to the dining room earlier. Maybe the room he woke up in was closer to the front of the castle. It was hard to tell by how much he’d seen.

“Wait, I didn’t mean. I wasn’t saying you’re exhausting, but it was more of what was going on before you got here, and there was a lot of documents I had to go through, not to mention avoiding another conference about tax evasion, and I’m rambling like an idiot.”

“It’s okay. It’s good that you’re aware when you do that.”

They stopped in front of an open bedroom door, and Sanji shuffled his feet. He should try and sleep for as long as he could. Did Tafiv want to say anything else?

“My friends, there are 8 of them, so you don’t lose count,” Sanji said as he lowered his book.

“Thank you, ah, your dress. It’s wrinkled.”

“Oh this? It’s not that bad, just some creases in the skirt.”

“Here, let me get it steamed while you rest. I’m sure you’d rather greet your friends in the clothes you came here in.” Tafiv held out his hands.

Sanji looked down at his bundle. The dress was pretty wrinkled now. He must’ve mashed it too close to his chest while he walked because there were a dozen more small creases in the bodice. Nami would be happier if the rental dress was in top shape when she came to save him.

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best,” He said, sliding the folded dress into Tafiv’s hands. “Here’s hoping they don’t show until I get a good six hours.”

Tafiv let out a small laugh, “Goodnight, Sanji.”

“Goodnight,” Sanji took a couple steps into his room before he stopped to say, “Wait.”

“Hm?”

Sanji looked over his shoulder. “This is going to sound weird, but has anyone broken into your house before I got here? Recently I mean?”

“The last break-in we had was 6 months ago. Why?”

Sanji bit the inside of his cheek. Damn it. That meant Carrin didn’t come here. Maybe she heard the rumors about the castle and left after restocking supplies. He hoped Robin and the others were asking around. If they couldn’t get more info on Carrin being here then this island would be a dead end. He’d be royally fucked if the trail went cold before they could find her.

“It’s no big deal. Goodnight…again.”

Tafiv gave him a soft smile and said, “Sweet dreams.”

Sanji closed the door using his foot and walked over to the bed. He let his shoes drop to the floor. How long could he keep going like this? The book against his chest was placed on the nightstand while he contemplated his situation. Showers might be easier to do than baths since they were faster. If he did have to take a bath again he knew the exact distance needed between his legs to keep water from creeping in and to keep from the discomfort of nothing resting between his closed thighs. He never thought he’d miss his balls, but he never thought he’d be without them. Sanji face planted onto the bed with his arms spanned out. The blankets under him were cool and he rolled over onto his back when the feeling of his chest smashed against the mattress was too much. Too wrong. He shuddered. Now that his mind was there, he should put his underwear back on before he fell asleep.

His foot knocked his shoes aside on the floor as his gaze wandered over to the book on the nightstand. The book on the nightstand which didn’t have the dress because Tafiv took it. The dress that he folded his underwear inside before leaving the bathroom.

Sanji shot up from the bed and dug his fingers into his hair. No. No, no, no, no, no! He just fucking GAVE Tafiv his UNDERWEAR. Tafiv didn’t see Sanji’s underwear, but when that dress was unfolded to get steamed it sure as hell was going to fall out. God, what if Tafiv thought of it as an invitation? He knew his face was beet red as he shoved his shoes onto his feet and headed for the door. Sanji needed to catch Tafiv before he cleaned the dress. Just needed to make up an excuse about leaving something inside the fabric and snatch the underwear before Tafiv could see. Yeah. Easy. He could do that. Opening the door, Sanji looked down the direction Tafiv went. He could do this.

His walk was brisk, the short heels on his shoes clicking as he made his way. Even if Tafiv did see his underwear, the Count seemed to get flustered when it came to sex. Tafiv would just give the boy shorts back. Sanji wouldn’t have to explain himself. A wave of calm washed over him at the thought. This was just a silly mishap. He’d come to the end of the hall when he heard the echo of a crash in the distance.

After the crash, a distinct voice echoed from the castle yelling, “GATTLING GUN.”

Sanji clutched his chest and stumbled over to the wall to place his hand on the corner. This was it. This was the nightmare scenario.

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO GET HERE NOW?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter we say bye to tafiv and the gang and return to the zosan  
> :thumbs up emoji:


	9. Fish are friends, not food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its almost been a year since i updated this and im sorry, rn i have to remember how to write again

There was no need to panic. Tafiv said there would be someone to come get him as soon as the crew got there, so someone must be running down the hall now. Sanji would meet them halfway, reassure his crew that he was all right, and take his clothes back from Tafiv before anyone was the wiser. Simple plan. Sanji peaked around the corner to get a good view of the events. There was the partially open walkway which could keep anyone from falling to the floor below with its detailed white wood railing. Tafiv walked to a certain part of the walkway, the tall polls on other side of the section protecting the path like a gate. Touching one of the poles, another walkway shot out from the wall on the opposite end of the room forming an arched bridge. Sanji watched Tafiv cross the bridge, his dress laid over an arm, while Tafiv walked to the center of it. Tearing his gaze from his host, Sanji scuttled over to look down between the balcony bars and saw some of his friends fighting Aliana, who had grown twice as large as she had in the chapel, and Dyenti.

“Who are you and what business do you have in my castle?” Tafiv’s voice boomed throughout the room causing the fight to pause.

Sanji stayed low to the ground so he wouldn’t be spotted. Now wouldn’t be a good time to make an appearance.

“Where’s Sanji?” Nami had her clima-tact pointed at Tafiv.

Sanji couldn’t see if she was glaring or not from this distance, but Tafiv looked un-phased.

“Sanji is resting. He’s had a long evening. I assume you’re the companions he spoke to me about. Perhaps we could cease this fighting, and-.”

Chopper’s voice called out, “Why do you have Sanji’s clothes?”

Sanji could feel his entire face heat, and he slowly crawled back from the walkway’s edge.

“These?” Tafiv glanced at his armful. “They’re not in the best condition at the moment, so I was on my way down to get them cleaned. Now if we could all calm-.”

“Shut up! Tell us where he is right now, or I’ll-!”

Dyenti flew over Nami in a circle. “Or you’ll what? Use your little lightning trick again? If you want to talk to your boyfriend so bad, you’ll have to let my brother get a word in.”

B-b-boyfriend? Nami’s boyfriend. Sanji felt his heart go gooey at the thought of it. Holding her hand. Taking her out to picnics, and camping out under the moonlight, and then, when the moon was brightest and the shimmering light on the lake lit up her beautiful face Nami would lean up with a shy gaze. The perfect mood, the perfect setting, for a kiss. Ah~. Hold on, now was not to the time for this train of thought. He needed his underwear back before anyone saw it. He could think about being Nami’s boyfriend later. Maybe after this misunderstanding is handled, Nami would reveal her true feelings for him.

“I can see that our words won’t get through to you. Therefore, allow me to retrieve Sanji so that he can clear this up.” Tafiv wiped the glare from his face as he turned towards the walkway.

The dress in his arm flowed against the movement sending a gray square of fabric into the air. Sanji watched in horror as his underwear unfolded itself while floating in a curling arc towards the floor where his crewmates stood. His underwear stopped its descent on the wooden floor five centimeters from Zoro’s boot. Embarrassment mixed with Sanji’s horror as he crawled backwards from the banister being sure to pull down his pajamas when they threatened to bunch up past his thighs. Once he was out of sight in the hallway, he put his face into his hands. How was he supposed to recover from this? How the hell would he explain THAT. Sanji’s underwear given like some sort of cheap trinket to what everyone else thought was the enemy. He thought the fake wedding was a death sentence, but now would be a great time to throw himself off the edge of a cliff so he could land on some sharp jagged rocks below before the waves took his body under never to be seen again.

Nami must be heartbroken! Sanji imagined the tears in her eyes and the look of betrayal she’d give him no matter what he said. His heart couldn’t take it. A thousand deaths would be more suitable than seeing that look on her face directed towards him. The rumbling ground under his feet lessened until he could no longer hear the battle that was going on. Peaking down from his hands, Sanji realized there was a set of arms guiding his feet down the hallway.

Robin? He looked up to see Robin and Usopp at the opposite end. Robin holding a finger to her soft lips in a shushing gesture, and Usopp giving him a grin and a thumbs-up. They must not have seen the incident that happened two seconds ago. He still had a chance to explain himself! The idea of Robin backing him up when he explained the situation to Nami renewed his confidence for true love to blossom under the moonlight. He smiled at them both walking over a bit faster and following their lead as they ducked into the other hallway.

“It’s good to see you Sanji, and in such nice pajamas,” said Robin with a soft smile that made his heart melt.

Usopp had his kabuto tight in hand as he looked back and forth. “I’m happy we found you so quickly. Let’s get out of here before that Argula guy or anyone else notices you’re gone.”

“Anyone else? The only people in this castle are us, Tafiv, his sister, his sister’s girlfriend, and their chef.” Sanji tilted his head. What did they think was in the castle?

“What? Really? There’s no guards? No monsters? No surveillance? And who’s Tafiv?” Usopp’s shoulders dropped in relief and confusion.

“None that I’ve seen, and Tafiv is Count Argula.”

Robin’s smile fell from her face. “You two are on a first name basis?”

“Yes? He’s not an evil monster, but that’s not the point. This whole situation was a misunderstanding on our end. He explained everything. The legend, the missing brides, he’s actually really nice. It’s weird.”

Usopp’s gaze narrowed. “What did you two do?”

“Why does that matter? Our friends are fighting an unnecessary battle, where Nami could get hurt, when they don’t need to be. I just need your help to convince them to stop.”

“Sanji, Robin saw that harpy woman drug you before taking you off. We just want to make sure the Count-“

“-Tafiv.”

“Tafiv didn’t do anything to you.”

Sanji crossed his arms over his chest and then moved them to rest under his chest. Then he moved his crossed arms to rest over his stomach because, seriously, he was not going to get used to having breasts. “We had dinner, and I had to cook a better dinner since the chef over-salted the curry. I played the blushing bride role perfectly if I say so myself. Then he showed me around the castle, and this place is kept in great shape for a place so old. He told me Aliana, the slime woman, preserves the paintings, and she’s talented. A beautiful flower with a wonderful smile one could get lost in. After that Tafiv showed me his aquarium and gave me a copy of this documented book of all the fish he knows about. He has a giant underground aquarium full of fish so old that some are extinct in the ocean. I’ve never seen such a variety before, and the fact that he takes the time to preserve and breed them is AGH FUCK.”

Sanji clenched his head in pain as hunks of a shattered vase fell down his shoulders.

“I’m sorry, Sanji. That was supposed to knock you out.” Robin stood with her her hands folded together.

“Knock me out?” Sanji winced, “My beautiful Robin, why would you do that?”

Usopp scratched his jaw. “Okay, you won’t believe it, but the Count brainwashed you, which you wouldn’t know cause you’re brainwashed. We need to get you out of here before it’s permanent.”

Brain washed? They thought he was brainwashed. Okay, this whole situation has gone from bad to worse. Telling them he wasn’t brainwashed wouldn’t convince them. So now he had to deal with one chunk of his crew thinking him and Tafiv did something and his only salvation thinking he’s been brainwashed by the guy who isn’t a bad guy. He needed to get back to Tafiv so he could convince his friends what was going on. Which would be easy if it were Usopp and anyone else. Robin must’ve been teamed up with him on this rescue mission to make sure they brought Sanji back since he could never hurt her. It also helped she could make hands, eyes, and ears anywhere in case Sanji did get out of her grasp. Knowing Usopp, he must have an escape route planned to get them out without being sighted. Which meant Sanji would have to play along as willing captive until he could make a break for it. Did he want to trick his crewmates? Absolutely not, but there was a priceless book full of valuable information sitting in his room that he would like to have before he left, and he’d be damned if he blew his cover for nothing. They would forgive him later. He hoped.

“All right. I understand.” Sanji held his hands out as if waiting for handcuffs. “I’ll go with you.”

“You won’t try to run or anything?” asked Usopp.

“No point, and it’s obvious you won’t listen to me if I tell you I’m not brainwashed. Let’s just go.”

Usopp and Robin nodded at each other flanking each of Sanji’s sides as they started down the hall. The tap of their footsteps echoed down the darkened hallways making Sanji question himself. What if he was brainwashed? That would explain why he got so flustered around Tafiv. He didn’t get shy around men since most of them weren’t worth his time except the ones in his weird sex dreams. It didn’t make sense for him to be brainwashed though. He still had strong love in his heart for Nami, Robin, and women everywhere. He knew he’d go running towards any woman who asked for him or sought him out wanting to please their every whim. He didn’t feel like that about Tafiv. Tafiv was just…nice. Nice, and genuine, and kind of an idiot, but so enthusiastic about so many things. Sanji remembered how Tafiv wouldn’t stop engaging Sanji in conversation wanting to hear his point of view and his end of things without interrupting him once. The way Tafiv looked at him when they were in the aquarium together as Sanji asked what might’ve been a hundred questions. Tafiv was enthusiastic about Sanji. The idea made his face heat up and dear god he might really be brainwashed. The trio had turned down another long hall with no stairs in sight.

“So, uh, how is the brainwashing supposed to work? What did you hear?” Sanji needed to know if he was being played with because if he was, he had an ass to kick.

Robin’s arms were crossed in an X over her chest as a few flower petals scattered from her shoulders. “The coast is clear.”

“From what Nami told us, it’s everything you said happened. He treats you like you’re on your honeymoon with dinner, brags about how great he is with all his things, gives you a wedding gift, and uh, er, the magic is subtle. You’re not supposed to notice it’s happening until. Uhm.” Usopp coughed into his fist.

“Until you’re in bed together, but by then it’s irreversible.” Robin finished.

Sanji could’ve burst into flames from embarrassment. Excuse him? Until they were what? In bed? As inside in bed? Together? As in having had sex? Why he is freaking out about this like the other members of the crew don’t think he’s already done that with Tafiv after seeing his FUCKING UNDERWEAR COME OUT OF THAT STUPID WEDDING DRESS. Oh god, that’s why they’re fighting. They already think the brainwashing is irreversible. If Usopp and Robin get him out, after meeting up with the rest of the crew it won’t matter what he says until they’re far away from the island so they could fix him. He needed to get back to Dyenti and Aliana at the very least, but what if he was brainwashed and that was the brainwashing telling him to get back to Tafiv? Then again, all the things required for the brainwashing just sounded like common courtesy, but having a person do things they wouldn’t object to sounds like super effective brainwashing. Sanji caught sight of the staircase, and he knew once they went down the chance of him getting back into this castle to get answers would become nonexistent. He needed to escape now.

Technically speaking, he couldn’t be held accountable for his actions if he was brainwashed anyhow. Standing between Robin and Usopp, Sanji turned to him and said, “You know Usopp, you’re really dependable. I didn’t think we’d be getting out so fast.”

Usopp blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Aw thanks. Don’t worry, Sanji. Once we get far away enough I’m sure the brainwashing will wear off.”

Sanji nodded, and took a slow deep breath before screaming as loud as he could directly into Usopp’s ear. Usopp jumped and ducked covering his ears giving Sanji enough time to send him flying over the railing with a swift kick. Sanji wasn’t sure if Robin was in shock, or knew it was a distraction as she focused her attention on catching their sniper. Spewing apologies, Sanji bolted down the hallway and turned the corner keeping his pace quick. If he faltered even once, Robin would grab him and it’d be over.

His first idea was to get a hold of Tafiv, but if he was brainwashed that would be the magic talking and it he wasn’t that’d be more proof for his crew to think he was. No, he needed a crewmate. Who on his crew could Sanji convince that he wasn’t brainwashed? Who would trust him when he gave his word? Who would be able to look at his face, and listen to Sanji when he was speaking the truth and know it was true. Why was he even wondering about this? The answer was obvious. He needed to get to Luffy.

“SANJI, COME BACK.” Usopp called out from behind him.

No, he couldn’t. Not yet. He’d ducked down another hallway different than the one they came from. Did he want to get lost? Not necessarily, but he also didn’t want to get caught. He found himself ducking into another hallway, and then another, until he couldn’t remember whether he’d gone left or right, too deep into unfamiliar territory. He couldn’t hear the sounds of the battle or of Usopp or Robin calling for him. The place was quiet. For how long, he didn’t know. There was no telling if Robin was watching him right now with Usopp conspiring, preparing for an ambush to get him back to the ship. God, what was he doing running away like this. He slipped into a room when he heard the distant sound of footsteps. They were really on his tail.

“Girly?” Chef Laurence’s voice made Sanji jump and turn around.

This was bad. Or good? Laurence was a neutral party at best, so if Sanji was brainwashed, he’d say yes, and Sanji would be too deep into the brainwashing for it to be a big deal. If Sanji wasn’t brainwashed, he’d tell him no and Sanji could go back to his original plan of clearing up the misunderstanding.

“Yes. Listen, I don’t have much time. I need to get back to Tafiv because him and my friends are fighting, but they also all think he brainwashed me so- Am I? Did Tafiv brainwash me into liking him so I’ll stay?” Sanji didn’t want it to be true, but that could also be the brainwashing!

Laurence looked at him like he was an idiot and said, “No. He doesn’t have that power.”

“Oh thank god…or what if you’re just telling me that-“

“Don’t. Don’t think yourself in circles. Do you want to go back to your friends?”

“Yes.” Sanji wanted to go back and forget this entire thing happened more than anything.

“Then you’re not brainwashed. Congratulations. Anything else?”

“No,” Sanji paused and changed his mind, “Yes, actually. My two other friends are tracking me, one with the ability to put eyes and ears everywhere, and I’m really lost, so I need to sneak back to where Tafiv and the others are without getting caught.”

“You mean the secret tunnels,” Laurence went over to one of the bookcases and pulled one of thin novels from the shelf.

The case swung inward revealing a light and dust-free hallway. Of course, an old castle would have secret passageways. What castle didn’t have secret passageways? Sanji felt a both relief and apprehension at navigating the tunnels when he spotted Laurence drawing out a map in a note pad. This guy. Sanji would hug him if he wasn’t stuck in this body.

“Wait where are you drawing that map to head to?” Sanji hovered behind his shoulder.

“Your room. He puts the stolen brides all in the same room so no one gets confused. You should get writing too,” he said pointing another notepad. “As many recipes as you can get down. I’m not doin’ this for free.”

Clenching his fist, Sanji ignored the wave of irritation and picked up a pencil to begin jotting down recipes. He didn’t have time for this, but it’s not like he had many options. If there was some chance Robin and Usopp caught him first, or he couldn’t get to Luffy, then it was game over no matter what he said. The level of incriminating evidence for his brainwashing was stacked too high. He’d just finished writing down the instructions for his scallop paella when a map was slid under his hand.

“Don’t get lost in there.”

Sanji picked up the map, noting that Laurence was also in pajamas. The shirt bulged around the back of his shell making the buttons in the front appear close to popping off. “What happens if I do?”

“No idea. Never used the tunnels myself.” He gave Sanji a wave as he walked back over to his desk with the recipes Sanji wrote down.

Why does he have…two..desks? Oh, forget it. Sanji kept the map gripped in his hand as he went down the secret tunnel. The bookcase swung closed behind him leaving him in darkness for a few moments until a series of lanterns above him illuminated the hall.

While following the path, Sanji reviewed what he was going to do and the current situation. Good news. He wasn’t brainwashed. Bad news. Nami was going to murder him. Worse news. No matter what he said to his friends, they would still believe he fucked a man. Terrible news. He’d have to make his situation worse by snatching Luffy aside to convince him since he couldn’t do that in front of his nakama without them trying to weave doubt into his mind. Therefore, stacking the evidence of brainwashing even higher. Marginally okay news. If they were really determined to believe he was brainwashed Sanji could excuse all his actions under the guise of such a reason.

Sanji pinched the bridge of his nose. Why does this have to happen to him of all people? He pressed a switch as the map directed and the wall shifted forward revealing his room. Thank you, Chef Laurence! He tossed the map in favor of snatching the book up. Step one complete. He got his book back. Now, on to step two. The question was, exactly how would he get to Luffy. He knew his captain went for the strongest first in a fight, and the strongest in that room was probably Tafiv? He didn’t know.

He wasn’t sure about what Tafiv could or could do, and he hadn’t been there long enough to weave any secrets out of him exactly. Nami had more tact when it came to gathering information from kidnappers. Robin was also probably close on his tail by now, as she’s had years of experience tracking ancient rocks, so a guy like him would be super easy to track. Meaning he needed to move now. He had two options. Risk being caught immediately out of the hallway by his room closest to the battle, or take his chances in the tunnels and hope for the best by following said sounds of battle to an opening somewhere nearby. The sound of running down the hallway made the decision for him as he ran back to the bookshelf tossing off books by the handful trying to figure out which was the lever. He managed to find it, and slip back inside the tunnels. The book case closed behind him just as he caught the sound of the door handle being fiddled with. He waited until things were silent before he started making his way back down the halls.

He could hear the fighting echoing through the chambers, meaning any direction he took made the fighting sound equally distant. Great. He was probably going to be trapped underground for an indiscriminate amount of time if he took the wrong path. The maze must’ve been reading his mind because he found a three way fork in the road he was sure he hadn’t seen on his way to the room. Lovely.

“This is how Sanji dies, more lost than a marimo in an underground castle where his body was never found,” He muttered as he took the path to the right, the book clutched to his chest. His fingers twitched along the spine, tapping over the soft fabric, a little worn with time, when he came to a dead end. The sound of fighting had vanished about halfway down this hallway, but when he tried turning back the path had split again. He wasn’t the type to feel claustrophobic. This made him feel claustrophobic. He walked forward, pressing his forehead against the wall and sighed.

This was so fucking stupid. Why did he do this to himself! A panel under his forehead flipped open almost sending his face out of the square opening with how sudden the motion was. The sound of fighting was extremely loud, and he peaked out to see from a wall, Chopper and Brook working together to hold back Aliana and get Franky out of her slime. Nami and Zoro appeared to be occupied with Dyenti who had no problem grabbing Zoro by the shoulders to throw him around. Nami seemed to be struggling with something, but Sanji couldn’t tell what. Was her clima-tact not able to produce the right conditions in here? Where was Luffy? Shit, where _was_ Luffy? A loud rumbling sounded shaking the ground and the wall in front of him making him move his head trying to see. From the edge of the frame was the bulk of the walkway Tafiv was on crumbling to the ground in large hunks. He must be over there. No other explanation for it. The issue was, how would he get out of here, grab Luffy, and get back inside before anyone grabbed him? He placed a hand on the wall, his brow furrowed as he then felt the cool metal of a doorknob under his fingers. All right this place just went from old and weird, to super weird and messed up. Time to leave the tunnels. He’d wing it.

The door opened a crack when he turned the handle, and he was able to peak out seeing Luffy trying to throw punches at Tafiv, only for the count to dodge all of them. How was he going to sneak past without getting noticed? Opening the door and walking out in the pink, frilly monstrosity that he was wearing would get him spotted before he could get past Aliana for fuck’s sake. The most he could do is work fast. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Taking a breath, he gave the book another tight grip before tucking it under his arm, and sliding out of the door keeping the passage cracked open just enough for him to get out.

Taking another breath, he turned and ran towards the two fighting. Well, Luffy fighting, and Tafiv dodging. His first mistake was not remembering his shoes had heels on them, which could be heard clacking along the tile floor as he ran.

“Sanji!” Chopper’s voice was distant, but Sanji knew he didn’t have a minute before someone would be on him, and he didn’t know who.

He didn’t waste another second. He ran faster. As fast as he could, and as soon as Luffy turned his head to look at him, Sanji had already jumped up to kick him across the room. Really not the best impression to be making, but he didn’t have time to talk, and he really couldn’t talk here. Luffy went flying, and Sanji dashed after him forcing himself not to respond to the shouts and cries of his crewmates. Luffy pulled himself up from the kick, a hand on his cheek as he looked at Sanji in shock. He didn’t give Luffy a chance to get up as the next thing he did was kick his foot into the ground next to Luffy as hard as he could. Please let there be an underground passageway here.

Maybe the weird thing in the tunnels that messed up the paths listened to him, because him and Luffy were falling through the floor, large chunks of the floor going down with them as a dust cloud formed from the debris. Sanji coughed, covering his mouth and wiping his eyes as he looked around, trying to spot Luffy in all this mess. When he did, Luffy was in a fighting stance across from him, but his eyes looked unsure. Sanji glanced up to see the hole he’d dropped them through had bits of light peaking into the passage and coughed a few more times, the dust in his throat not settling. His captain looked conflicted to say the least. His eyes were darting from the closed up hole above them, to the walls around them, only to land on Sanji and stay there, his shoulders beginning to relax.

“Sanji, you’re not brainwashed are you? You still want to come back to Sunny right?” Luffy asked ready to take Sanji back by force if he had to.

“I’m not brainwashed,” Sanji placed a hand over his throat, clearing it so he could breathe. “I just needed to get you away from everyone else.”

Luffy’s eyes narrowed. “Why, and if you’re not brainwashed why did you kick me like that? I was fighting the Arugula guy for you!”

Sanji heard the sound of thunder, and knew Nami was having no more trouble with her weapon. If she used that on the ceiling, he would lose this opportunity to explain to Luffy what was really going on. Swallowing hard, he walked over to his captain, and said, “Listen. We need to move, and once we’re further away I’ll explain everything. I want to go back to Sunny more than anything, and I will. Tonight preferably, tomorrow morning if that’s not possible. I swear.”

He looked at Luffy with all the sincerity he could muster, because he didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t ask anyone else this. Not with the crew thinking he was being brainwashed, or already brainwashed, and thinking anything he said was the result of such a thing. A few moments passed, the thunder above them growing louder, when Luffy dropped his arms to his sides and grinned at Sanji.

“Yeah, let’s go. I don’t know anything about this place, but we have to make this fast, that harpy lady is bad news,” Luffy said waiting for Sanji to lead the way.

Relief overtook Sanji, and he couldn’t help but smile back. “Her name is Dyenti, and I’ll make this quick, I promise.”

 

“So, you accidentally gave this ancient dude who’s not a ghost your panties after a bath? That’s really dumb of you.” Luffy said looking around the dark passageway as they took the left fork.

“Yes, I’m aware. Thank you for the insight.”

“You’re welcome….you’re in so much trouble when you tell Nami.”

Sanji placed a hand against his forehead, “I know. I failed her, and she’ll never forgive me.”

“Yup! So where are we going?”

“I have no idea.”

“WHAT.”

“Yeah, this is my first time down here, and I’m pretty sure we lost the sure fire way back five or six turns ago.” Sanji turned his head to smile and lightly tap his head with his fist. “Whoops.”

“DON’T WHOOPS ME, WE COULD BE STUCK DOWN HERE.”

“It’s fine, if needed we can punch and kick our way out. The real dilemma is how I’m going to deal with everyone’s reactions after I explain everything. I kicked Usopp, and I ran from Robin, and there’s no possible way to explain the underwear incident without it sounding incriminating. Nami will never look at me the same again,” Sanji placed a hand on his face groaning again at the thought.

Luffy had stopped walking to say, “Well, let’s try this door.”

“Eh?” Sanji stopped next looking at where he was pointing. “Didn’t see that there, but yeah. We can find the fight from the noise above ground.”

When Luffy turned the knob the door opened easily to a hallway that Usopp and Robin were talking in. “Hey guys! I found Sanji.”

The world hated Sanji, cause he didn’t want to bite the bullet on one of those things right now, but here he was.

“Luffy?” Robin and Usopp chorused looking confused and a little relieved with the information.

“Don’t worry, he’s not brainwashed. He wants to come back to the Sunny,” Luffy stepped out, with Sanji following close behind.

“Sorry about earlier, just needed to grab something, well, two things, but I knew you wouldn’t believe me if I asked.” Sanji tapped the book tucked under his arm. “We also need to stop that fight going on back there.”

Robin and Usopp shared a look, when Usopp spoke up first to Luffy asking, “Are you _sure_ he isn’t under that count guy’s mind control?”

“Yeah, positive.” Luffy didn’t flinch holding Usopp’s gaze until the sniper sighed.

“If the captain says so, it must be true,” Robin gave Sanji a nod which made him smile. She returned it, asking Luffy, “What are your orders?”

“Let’s go talk to that count guy and see if he’ll give us some treasure to make us leave.”

Usopp hit the side of Luffy’s head, “That’s a bad plan, and you know it.”

“It’ll be fine. Let’s head back,” Luffy was already running down the hallway before anyone could stop him.

Was he going the right way? Probably not, but Sanji didn’t know where they were either, and Luffy had a knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. They’d end up there without trouble. He froze feeling both Usopp and Robin’s eyes on the back of his head. Either they didn’t really believe Luffy when he told them what Sanji said, or they weren’t sure whether or not to believe him. They didn’t flank him, Robin walking ahead to keep them from getting too far from Luffy. Usopp, on the other hand, took a few steps forward so that Sanji could see him from the corner of his eye.

“Sorry about…kicking you off the railing after screaming in your ear,” Sanji muttered, his cheeks darkening from embarrassment.

“I just want to know why. Even though you weren’t under mind control, you did that for a book?” Usopp glanced at the tome under Sanji’s arm.

“It’s important,” Sanji started to walk when he saw Robin turn the corner, not trying to lose anyone. “Probably the closest glimpse I can get to All Blue right now. I’ll show you when we get back to Sunny. Promise.”

“Is the count really an okay guy? I mean, Robin said that harpy woman drugged you! You rag dolled as soon as she grabbed you.”

“Yeah, I didn’t get to ask about that, but Dyenti was, is, actually really nice. Tafiv seems to genuinely, hm. He’s secretive but passionate which is the best way I can describe the guy.”

“If you say so.” Usopp sighed. “I don’t know if it’s my paranoia or not that’s making me feel off though.”

“Guess we’ll find ou-,” Sanji couldn’t finish the sentence as he was interrupted by a large booming crash. It distinctly reminded him of when walls were broken. He and Usopp shared a concerned look and then were bolting down the hall after Robin and Luffy.

The fight had moved a big distance from the original location. Brook, Chopper, and Franky were now trapped inside one of Aliana’s gigantic hands, while Nami tried to spin the weather in her staff to make some changes. Zoro didn’t look like he was holding back in the fight with Dyenti, but she appeared unphased by his movements as she dodged or flew just out of range. Tafiv was nowhere to be found. That may have been a bad sign.

“OI, EVERYONE. WE CAN STOP FIGHTING NOW, SANJI’S OKAY.” Luffy was leaning over the railing waving his arm back and forth to try and catch their attention from above.

The fighting didn’t stop as Dyenti swooped down to grab Zoro by his shoulders, him just rolling to dodge out of the way of her talons. Nami spared Luffy a glance, but had to jump from one of Aliana’s hands trying to catch her too. This area of the castle looked familiar, which meant he’s been there before. What was around here? It wasn’t the kitchen. The bathroom? The- oh shit.

“Stop.” Sanji ran towards the railing to stand next to Luffy, “Stop fighting! STOP FIGHTING.”

“Sanji?” Aliana turned, her body too large to move quickly to tilt her head in his direction.

Dyenti whistled dodging another swipe of the blade, “Woah, Sanji had I known you were that interested in my brother I would’ve just fought your friends by myself!”

Sanji’s face colored, “It’s not like that.” He didn’t have time to explain himself again as he took off down the nearest staircase he could spot. It was broken. Of course it was broken. Dozens of hands came from the broken steps, and he dashed down them thankful for Robin’s kindness.

Which way? Which way was it? He had to run past Aliana to get down the right hallway, Nami asking him what he was doing, but again he didn’t have the time to react. It was clear the fighting had stopped. His crewmates were watching him with bewilderment, before some made up their minds to follow after him. Sanji felt the floor begin to dip the further he ran, and his heart clenched in his chest when he saw the doors to the aquarium room. One tall door had been cracked, a chunk of the corner lying splintered on the ground. He stopped in front of the door, panting as he placed his hand on the knob, the door swinging open with a pained creak revealing several broken tanks at the front.

The rugs on the ground were soaked, and hunks of glass as well as dead fish twitched on the ground. Some of them with bit of glass sticking from their gills, blood mixing with the water spreading further along the floor. Sanji saw only the first few tanks were destroyed, the rest of them intact, but the residents of the broken tanks appeared unsalvageable.

Tafiv stood among the wreckage, his socks and the bottom of his pants dripping wet. His fingers were trembling as he pulled a large hunk of glass from the fish in his hand. This was Sanji’s fault. His shoes did nothing to protect his feet from the water as he stepped inside, avoiding the larger fish, the book moved to be held against his chest.

“Tafiv…”

“I don’t know how to salvage this,” Tafiv’s voice as quiet as he finally got the glass shard out letting it drop to the floor with a plink.

“I- I’m sorry. Maybe I can-,” he bit the inside of his cheek. Maybe he could what? These priceless fish were dead, forever extinct. Sanji couldn’t turn back the clock, and he couldn’t revive the dead. He should’ve just returned to his crew after revealing the lie for what it was. “Maybe I can-.”

“Please leave.”

“What? But I can-”

Tafiv turned towards Sanji, the fish still in his hand, blood running down his wrists and staining the white cuffs of his shirt. “Your copy is going to be somewhat inaccurate now, I’m afraid. Please take your friends and go.”

Anything Sanji wanted to say, died on his lips as he managed a short, “I’m sorry.”

Tafiv didn’t reply walking to pick up the next fish, tiny in comparison to his large hands as he set it beside the one still bleeding in his palm. Sanji stepped back, his white mary janes damp with water and pinked with blood as he gave Tafiv one more look as he walked out.

“He has way more fish than we do. Is that his favorite thing to eat?” Luffy didn’t catch the mood. “Did you have a fish feast earlier? Is he sad cause his next meal was ruined.”

“No dumbass, he preserves them,” Sanji narrowed his eyes at Luffy, until he noticed who else followed after them.

Nami was staring at him with an inscrutable expression, and Sanji knew he wasn’t ready to tell her exactly what happened. Zoro had an eyebrow raised, the corner of his lips quirked down as his arms sat crossed over his chest. It didn’t help that Aliana had appeared with the rest of the crew in tow. Sanji wanted nothing more than to sink into the ground since he was sure with the open hole in the door Tafiv would be able to hear any further conversation he made.

“What’s going on, Sanji.” Nami’s voice was firm.

How could he say he ruined her plan without getting a negative response? There was a mistake on their part? The towns people lied to them all? Tafiv was actually a nice guy who preserved fish that weren’t even in the ocean anymore, and Sanji both respected and admired that about him which is why he was being so weird around the count everyone thought was evil? Dyenti made a low humming noise in her throat as she pushed through, one of her hands closed tightly in a fist.

“He’s really upset right now, but don’t worry. He’s like this when a few fish die. We can always find some more rare ones. However,” She held up Sanji’s panties stretching them out with two fingers, “If you had any ideas about cheering him up faster you could always give him these ag-OOF.”

Aliana, back to her normal size, had dashed over to punch Dyenti in the stomach before she could finish her sentence. Snatching the underwear from the harpy’s fingers, and balling them up. She took both of Sanji’s hands and placed them in his palms, cupping his hands over the bundle. “I’m very sorry about her.”

Sanji was mortified enough, his face a new shade of red as his trembling hands held onto his underwear. “I can explain everything, not here. On the sunny.”

“How about on the way back to the Sunny,” Nami offered. It wasn’t an offer. That was as far as she would budge. “Because it looks like we’re leaving injured and treasureless, and I want an explanation for that.”

“Let me show you out,” Dyenti rubbed her stomach ready to take the lead when Aliana glanced from her to the aquarium and back to her again. “Oh, he’s fine. Right this way everyone. We’ll take a detour around all the wreckage you caused.”

Aliana sighed watching Dyenti stretch her wings out wide and corral the pirates into a group, Sanji being partially pushed into Luffy as they were ushered out of the wide hallway. Nami worked her way to stand by Sanji, a disapproving look on her face. It was time for him to start talking. Great.

**Author's Note:**

> *rubs my trans little hands over the charas* just let me get a feel for writing op again and the next chap will be a lot more put together ill tell u what my comrades


End file.
